Hi there, I know I come and go every few months, basically I am back because I think I am losing my myself at a very slow pace but it is still very scary. I moved a few years back and I have not found a good shrink and I had such bad luck with the one I found ( who was telling me things like ” life is beautiful” , ” I think you actually feel better than you think ” all this crap meaning ” stop complaining and go on with your life) that I am no longer considering therapy. Thing is I feel there is a duality inside me, a dark part I hide bit finally emerges and kind of ” force ” me to do hurt myself, to destroy opportunities and relationships, and a caring and lucid part who goes on with her life the best she can. But the two parts often collide and then it is a f*cking freak show: I m having head aches, panic attacks, urges to hurt myself, suicidal thoughts, auditory hallucinations even ( like hearing music that is not there, hearing my name, that king of shit). So here I am, asking you: is it ” normal” for someone suffering from anxiety and depression to feel that way? Or am I going hard core mental?
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i think so. ive read about psychosis once.
if you’re as sick as me, you’ll start to enjoy the downfall.
Is it ok if I ask how it went for you? I’d like to kinda have an idea of what is awaiting me
it happens gradually. your mind will race. you’ll start talking to yourself. ultra paranoid. overly obsessive, sensitive and indecisive about everything. you may feel detached from everyone and the world. maybe even yourself.
you’ll withdraw. you become content with just your thoughts and being alone. uncontrollable thoughts. gas. oh, it’s all so fun I tell you. i just wish I was getting paid for this, but that would be too easy.
oh and I forgot to mention that your personal hygiene declines, eating habits change too. you may eat more or less than you used to, and you may become more self indulgent with what you consume, not giving a rats ass about nutritional value. you’ll eat a bag of chips and salsa for breakfast, because why not? it’s delicious and you’re dying anyway.
The duality you experience is something I feel also. The destructive behaviors, the bad choices, even when it’s blindingly obvious that I’m about to do something detrimental, I sometimes still do it, and then I wonder why. I think, based on just my behaviors, that it’s like an act of rebellion perpetrated by the part of me that is just plain sick and tired of The Way things Are. Many of us are very sensitive and just don’t fit in (me), and every now and then, I feel the need to manifest this frustration by becoming what normies call “nuts.”
Hard core mental or just pissed off at the bizarre, disturbing world we’re forced to exist in. You’re not the problem, as much as the world outside your doors with its “One size fits all” expectations of what success and happiness is.
Well said, Once. I know our society is not tolerant nor are the people around me ( family excepted) willing to do anything to even show that they remember my existence. I’m doing my year at college but since I missed only one exam this semester I almost never have class so I just retreat in my apartment, hiding from the world and reality. It is true I feel completely lost and casted aside even by my friend. Maybe my delusional state is a response to that. My god I feel so stuck. I promised myself I won’t kill myself until my little sister who is now 10 graduates from high school. And I love her so much and I still have hope for a better future. But this hurt so much it is taking my pride, my dignity, my dreams away and all that I have left is fear and frustration and I don’t know how and if I am suppose to survive this
…”and I still have hope for a better future.”
Hang on to this. As you move through the duality periods that are disabling and insane, hang on to it like you’re hanging onto a rope as you dangle over a canyon, because that hope is your best friend. When the hope fades completely, it’s a different story. Ride out the storms, and hope. There’s not much else. Don’t beat yourself up too much. Do what you have to do to keep that hope.
100% support this
well & beautifully said
please do hang on to this hope love <3
& not that hanging on "for yourself" & "for your own sake" is any less important
but to rather to add to it…
your sister will always always need you š
not only till high school
she'll need you even if you're 1000 miles apart
<3
may I add
“& even if she’s 100 years old”
[& I do pray you both have long healthy & happy lives š ]
<3
š
as worrying as it may sound
& with the important note that I’m neither a doctor nor a psychologist
but I do think it’s normal
or at least expected…
anxiety and depression together are probably one of the worst combinations
I pray for you love
& just so you know
I’m cheering for the
“caring and lucid part [of you] who goes on with her life the best she can”
I really really believe in that part
& I believe that part can win
even if after so long hard fights
My heart is with you honey <3
& please do tell me if you need to talk
okay
<3
Big Big Big Hug
<3
“Iām neither a doctor nor a psychologist.”
Hmmm.
Maybe you’re a doctologist. Or a psychtor. Just don’t become a psycho doctor. š
š š š
Thanks it is nice of helps to have people who actually listen and understand me I guess. ?Hope hurts as is hanging too long on a rope, it is tiring. But I now that not everyone here as the opportunity to still have something preventing to fall down for good so I guess I ll just have to stay for as long as I can, hoping one day I ll have something else than this tiny rope to remain alive
š
Most Most Welcome <3
I'd be more than happy to drop you a ladder instead of that rope š
by God, I'd even build you a bridge if I can š
seriously though,
i don't want to push
but if you need to talk
or if you can at least decide to "try me"…
I'm here for you in every way <3
if you wish not to talk here
my email is
farahlajeennouraldeen.1@gmail
& I'd be sooo happy if I log in to check my inbox on any given morning & find something from you š
in any case
I'm praying for you
hang in there
& please "try" to go to classes
missing [1] exam means nothing in the big picture
but missing classes can really have effects
tc sweetness
All the Best
<3 <3 <3
Hugs & Love
This reminds me of a Tool song – 46&2. I think it’s basically the human condition. You have that dark subconscious side, and that light ideal side and the two play tug-of-war with your life when really they should be cooperating.