People Allergy

“Since people are the worst, I’ll put myself first.” But lately I’ve found I’ve been having problems with that mentality.

After a few years I’ve realized I do need people. I can’t keep being on my own. My middle school bully is probably the one to be blamed. Yes, she was the one to kick start my depression and anxiety after all. My parents and teachers had only worsened it from then on but that’s besides the point.

For the hellish three years I’ve withdrew into myself because of my fear of people. This girl had turned the entire school against me. If she had a dick everyone would be lining up to suck it judging from how they loved lapping up every obvious lie that came from this swine’s mouth. I could go on for days about the horrible things she had done to me, but that’s a story for another day. And plus it seems she’s powerless now. Geez, the 11-13 year olds in my area are brutal.

The staff did nothing either. “tHiS iS a No HaTe ZoNe!!!1!1!!1” don’t make me laugh. She obviously lied, saying she didn’t know I didn’t want to be bullied! They let her go with an apology for wasting her time and a smile while I got scolded for trying to get “such a sweet and lovely girl!” in trouble. A comedy? Did my life just become a comedy? Almost laughable how a situation where clearly I was the victim flip flopped to be in the bully’s favor. I hate people, but in truth, the one I hate the most is my own self.

I can’t stand myself anymore. Put me through the same hell that was middle school and I’ll surely kill myself. But maybe, just maybe, if I surround myself with people who think I’m alright despite my mental illnesses, I can learn to slowly stop thinking I’m a piece of shit. I mean, if people don’t have a problem with me, why should I have a problem with myself? I mean it won’t solve any of my other problems but at least I theoretically won’t hate the coward I am and will come to tolerate myself…?

I don’t know, just a thought. But the damage has already been done. I probably give off a negative aura. My three years of isolation and also social anxiety has trained me to be afraid of people and avoid them. Most of the people in my school seem to only be interested in superficial relationships, which I have no need for, so maybe I should be glad my hatred towards humanity stopped me from wasting anytime on people. Or maybe run away because there’s no one I can cling onto for support. Ah, I’ve forgotten what this was supposed to be about.