i am alone

on friday, the worst things happened.

I went to the mall with two of my friends, the one who invited me and I thought was actually nice, ditched me for someone who says I should kill myself, and I saw them today. I almost cried.

After I went to this roller rink in my city that is closing soon with a bunch of kids from my class, and I had a breakdown. I’m not very good at skating, so I still don’t know why I went, but anyways, I had a breakdown, and was crying in the bathroom, while my “friend” came and told me that I ruin everything. Thank god for my best friend, though. She was there, and she started to cry as well, but we helped each other. After that was all done, my two best friends and I were the last ones to be there out of the 15 people who came. Just as we were all getting our rides, some guys walked up to my friends and asked them both for their numbers. I didn’t really care, until my friends kinda left me in the dust just to awkwardly give these guys my friend’s numbers. As soon as my mom showed up, I just cried, and cried. I hadn’t had a day that bad for months. It was awful. That night I cut, broke my streak of not doing it for a decent amount of time, and almost, did it. I was so close. I wanted to run downstairs and take all my meds at once, and it just be over.

I have this luggage, that seems like it’s glued to my hand, and it’s all these thoughts that I should be dead, and every god damn day it gets heavier. I just don’t want to feel like this anymore. I’ll be thirteen in less than two weeks, but I doubt I’ll even make it to fourteen if things continue like this. I’m just so sad. So sad, and so alone. I’m a piece of shit. I don’t deserve to breath air. I should be dead. Everyone will have a better life without me. I feel like if despair and complete of utter depression had a kid. Fuck. I just don’t want to live. I’m just sick of being so alone.