Shameful and sleepless

I have been alone a large part of my adult life. Ballpark 99% of it. I finally gave up hope of ever finding someone and accepted the fact I’d be alone forever. Then someone came into my life about 15 months ago. After I met her I never saw her again for 5 weeks. This is not when things started to get weird. About 7 month ago I have her a gift, something I had but didn’t need. This is where it got weird. We talked about the gift and how it worked, and I started having feelings for her despite a large age difference. Friendship grew, along with my feelings but I believe she never knew-until a couple months later she told me she suspected something. She still wanted to be friends. I was always there to support her, always had her back. I tried to accept the fact that we were only friends and that’s how it has to really be. But the feelings lingered for months. Recently I have helped her out of some money problems. Temporarily she seemed grateful. But now it seems like it was a mistake.

I cannot stop thinking about her. I cannot sleep. I have accepted the fact that we will never be together. But I cannot accept the fact that I will be miserable for the rest of my pathetic life without her.

I need to write my will, choose my method, and date. I figure I’ll get the year out of the way first. Is this selfish of me? I have confided with my sister about this. But if I can share the date with her and she can be prepared, maybe it will not be so hard on the family.