Crying after watching the Simpsons

My parents divorced, my sister’s treating me and my mom like shit, and hey, there was never a father figure for me. Until high school, I found my father figure in a book. The reason to why I read so many books was the men I found in the books were so kind and ideal. Then, I became really attached to my mom’s boyfriend. Though I don’t think he thinks much of me, I’ve started thinking of him as my father and referred to my friends as such. I guess I tried so much to get love (which I didn’t get ) from him because my mom and her bf don’t want me to act….not myself. Like a child, actually.

One day, I watched a Simpsons episodes where Lisa becomes sad because she thinks she’s ugly. Then, Homer sells his precious ticket to pay the admission fee to a beauty pageant contest for Lisa. He thinks Lisa’s the most beautiful person in the world and shows how much he loves Lisa.

That’s when I started crying. It hit me so hard that no one will ever do that for me. My longing for a happy family was for so long buried that I couldn’t stop crying for a long time. I thought, “What’s the whole point in getting good grades when studying can’t bring you a father?”.

Now, I’m having these urges to cut again. I’ve controlled myself for almost a year now, but this year will be the most stressful year for me and bleeding seems like the ideal solution for me to bury my stupid longing for a loving family and concentrate on school.

Oh, how much I would give up to have a loving family…