Maybe it’s that I have high expectations. Maybe it’s that I want to make everyone happy. All I know is that I have given it all in my life. Relationships. My career. Finance. Living. But no matter how hard I try I am always suddenly smacked with the reality that I just fall short and am never good enough.
This week my work broke me more than I could have ever imagined. I work for a company that handles media opportunities and crisis communications. There are some great people but unfortunately nepotism is a dominating force. If you don’t suck up to middle management or fit the exact type of personality they are looking for, you aren’t going anywhere. Unfortunately, this is the case for me. My manager just seems to dislike me as both a professional and a person, rarely listening to my ideas and going at lengths to criticize my work more so than other team members. When I had my one year review last year, the manager focused more on my shortcomings than my strengths.
This particular manager lambasted me in an email that had 15 other people attached to it and it used profanity while criticizing me for causing a mistake (which he referred to as a “fuck up”) – when in fact the entire team had equal part in the mistake. Since the manager has a higher sense of power, I was unable to defend myself and found myself humiliated and powerless. I was so upset that I couldn’t eat or sleep that night. The next morning I actually went to HR and shared a screenshot of the email and explained the distress it caused me. They agreed that it was out of line and spoke with my manager. The manager immediately cleaned up their act and acted overly nice to everyone, including me.
However, the next day my co worker was promoted into a role we hadn’t even known was available. I wasn’t promoted and when I asked my other manager if I could work to get into the same role with my co worker – they basically gave me a non answer and did not really infer that a promotion could be in my near future. I don’t know if the promotion was a punishment to me for going to HR or a coincidence, but the two we’re so close together that I couldn’t help but feel that it was a punishment.
I cried for hours and I am still crying. The pain won’t go away. I wanted so badly to grow in the team and get a promotion WITH my co worker, but now I feel I have been set back and my team members don’t seem to think there is any promise for me. My job is super demanding and I devoted myself so much to it, at the expense of my social life. Now it all feels like a waste.
More than anything in the whole world I want to be good at the job I have. But no matter how hard I try new things or ask my co workers for feedback, they still just don’t seem to favor my performance or my personality and vouch for other Co workers. I want a new job, but the job market in my area is tough and I either don’t qualify for the good paying jobs or the job offers I get do not pay me enough for living on my own in the city comfortably. I feel trapped – stuck at this job where my managers don’t seem to like me or see any value in me, and where I will never move up.
I feel there is no hope for me. I couldn’t get into my original preferred field (writing) and now I can’t even be good at the field I fell into in order to afford living. I feel no matter what I do, I am just never going to succeed in this world because every man is for himself and people throw each other under the bus to get ahead – and I just can’t do that. I want to succeed but I am not strong enough. I am not smart enough. I am not enough.
I feel my life has no point or prospect since I am likely never going to succeed. I am losing the will to live and am slipping away. I have become numb of feeling and have become detached from the world. I keep visualizing the successful person I want to become and then realize that I cannot do it.
And then the tears come again. They won’t go away. I am tired. I am afraid. I am broken.
I don’t know what to do.
1 comment
Have you thought about supplementing your day job with your passion on the side, maybe start small with some writing gigs you could do to build up your resume some more?
One thing about the corporate world that stinks real bad is that there is a lot of stupid office politics involved that has little or nothing to do with your work. Some people excel at playing those politics, while others have no interest in them. I never did all that well in office jobs due to that fact, but still just found a way to work quietly and get my paycheck….
Keep up hope! Think of this as a temporary stepping stone in your overall career aspirations, and act accordingly to line up the next job or gig. Maybe it’s not quite in the geographic region you live in right now, if you’re willing and able to move too….
But learning to deal with some of that rejection in life that comes with any job, well, you’re going to need to do that anyway. All jobs will make you feel bad at some point. The question is — what do you with that pain? Put it to work for you, or lose yourself to its darkness? The choice is yours.