Setbacks

It feels like no matter what I do, no matter how much progress I make, I always end up making the same stupid, shitty mistakes that send me back to square one. Each time, I keep on thinking that I’ll know better, and that it won’t happen again. But it does. It always does. I screw up, and everyone around me is disappointed in me. It puts a black feeling in my stomach, and when I get like that, I can’t feel any emotions. But that doesn’t stop me from hurting people. Whether it’s my intention to or not, I end up hurting people when I get like this.

For some reason, what comforts me is that this won’t last forever. Even if I continue to screw up for the rest of my life, I’ll die someday, and everything will stop. I don’t know when it will stop, but it doesn’t matter. Just knowing that it will happen makes me feel better for some reason, like all the stress, worries, and negative emotions won’t continue to build up in my mind for all eternity. I just hope reincarnation isn’t a thing. I don’t want to come back when I die, even as something else.

I don’t feel like killing myself, though. I’ve tried it before, and it didn’t work. Part of me is too lazy to try again, but the main reason is that I doubt it will work. Especially because I’d most likely get rushed to the ER, treated for any… issues I suffer from, then shipped to a psych ward or some shit like that. For now, the risk of failure outweighs the benefit of succeeding, the latter of which is very unlikely. That, and trying and failing would just make my life even more of a living hell than it already is. So I guess I’m just along for the ride until the ride’s over.