The mundane trivial tasks you complete with ease sometimes take all of my strength and energy.
I am magnetised to my bed because it is comforting, mentally.
emotionally, the covers can swallow me up and I can hide from myself, hide from the world, i can drift off asleep and simulate death.
I can escape life.
I am constantly distracting myself with unproductive activities like playing games because it stops me from having to think and feel, I don’t have to sit around and die internally because I don’t even know who I am, I don’t know my name and I don’t know my gender , I don’t know how to be happy I don’t know what I need to be happy, I hate myself in almost every way, I hate what I’ve become I hate the way my brain processes the world around me I hate that I can not function like everyone else I hate that I can’t have a normal life I can’t be self dependant, I can’t make my parents proud, I can’t give back to those who invested so much into me, I can’t be a decent child or sibling.
I am the biggest waste of space and everytime I try to change, to be better to do better I always fall flat back on my ass again and end up getting nowhere.
im getting fatter, more unhealthy.
more depressed.
more insane.
pushing people further away,
Losing connections
losing care
will
strength
preparing for death.
because I don’t belong here anymore.
I never did.
Tommorow I’ll be better I’ll do better, just like I said I would yesterday and the day before.
Ill never make it.
I will never make you proud.
Call me the nobody,
because I no longer have a name.
3 comments
I’ve never read something more relatable in my life, never. You’ve basically summed up everything that I can’t bring myself to say to anybody including myself, because I’m afraid I’m just making excuses for myself, that I should get over myself and move on.
You’re Octr.. you’re an amazing person, a caring person. It’s not fair how the world treated you. It’s not fair how the world broke you.. I don’t think that’s it’s too late to make things okay. I’m the same as you. I have little desire to do anything, I never want to leave me bed.im a waste of space and life. I have no friends or close family. I’m just lone existence without a reason.
But I don’t know. I still hope. I hope for so many things. I dream of so many futures even though none of them feel reasonable.
I also dream of a future for you. Where you work on an mmo during the day, and sometimes you draw on your free time. and then sing and play guitar on the Weeknd’s. Maybe you even have your own band.. you say you’re terrible at singing, but almost everyone believes they’re terrible. And besides, you’ve never taken a single lesson..
But I understand you have no desire to peruse such things. I understand, it can feel utterly hopeless sometimes. I just, hate imagining you lying on your bed in tears, hating life. Not caring about anything at all. And I miss you. It feels helpless, reading about your pain online and not able to do anything.
I really think the world needs you. I don’t know why, and I don’t know how, but you deserve a happier life than this. And I think that you’ll find it with time.. and you’ll look back and be happy that you didn’t leave so soon.. that’s what I believe at least..
You just described about 2 millions 15-23 y/o’s around the world.
I can only say that there is no limit to how much we can foist our confusion, anxiety and frustrations with the world onto ourselves and mangle it together into a profound sense of self-hatred.
There are ways out of the cycle however