Bipolar depression

I am bipolar i struggle to keep my shit together every second of the day it feels like i am in a physical fight with myself at all times i Thought this was a mood disorder but it causes me physical pain i feel like there is a Huge Boulder on my chest and a pitch black hole inside of me i cant watch anything emotional because it will trigger my sadness i cant disagree with anyone im Terrified of my own reactions I have huge gaps in my memory i have tried to take life a few times i Actually think that Death is avoiding me sounds crazy i know. I hear voices sometimes loudly in my head Repeating the same things over and over again KILL YOURSELF do you know what that does to me. I cant tell anyone about whats really happening in this meat prison. Im just alone