I’m so fucking alone. One can’t just spout “I wished I was dead” to others. This is my first post here, it’s a bit ramble-y.
I don’t know what to do anymore. The suicidal impulses got better with medication, but I can’t move on and work and live my life like a normal person. Almost every day I hope to die.
I lived multiple suicide attempts, but I feel like I didn’t deserve to survive. I can’t support myself- why should I live? I feel like a disgrace of an adult. I only got a few years to get better, before my brain decides to quit trying. But I can’t. move. on.
I don’t even have the guts to self harm. It’ll alert others. People scare me, literally, to tears. But the intrusive, disturbing thoughts of hurting myself never stop. Neither does the suspiciousness of others that stop me from sharing anything and building connections.
I want to accept this. This whole situation. I want to give in to it. I want to “enjoy” my non-existence. But I can’t. I can’t die. I mean, I can, but it’s going to hurt a few people. And if I give up right now… I can’t take back my years of regrettable things. I don’t want to spend months in a hospital. I don’t want that debt.
So I’ll wait, wait and see if anything happens in the next few months. Probably nothing will change, I’ll still be suicidal, but maybe… maybe something good happens. Who knows?
2 comments
im so sorry. i am so sorry that this world has not done you the way you deserve. i am sorry your body is fighting against you. please dont give up, i swear those people will be so unrepairably hurt if you gave up. its hard to open up but i am glad you did. i wish you the best, my thoughts and prayers.
I feel the same. I’ve ran away to attempt to end my life, and the amount of texts and calls I got from family worried about me and asking where I was was overwhelming. And so I turned around and drove home. (And I couldn’t find any steep cliffs to jump off from, but let’s not think about that..)
So I feel like I can’t die.. but I don’t know how I can live either. I haven’t had any real friends in years and I feel trapped in a job I hate.
I found your post super relatable. Like, words I wouldn’t have been able to write myself. (I’m not a very good writer..) . If you’d ever like to talk though, my email is devinbelver@yahoo. (I’d write the whole thing but SP puts comments in moderation if you have full links..)
But yeah, it was nice to meet you 🙂 feel free to post whenever you want okay? You’ll find people can be super supportive and understanding here.