After a long few weeks of avoiding my personal problems, it’s come back with a punch to the gut. Why can’t I move on and be normal? Why is the help I seek not work? Why can’t I just change? What’s the point of trying when I don’t even see a future with me in it.
Friends plan on finding love, getting married, landing that dream job, having kids but I can’t see that for myself. For me, I envision darkness. I know it sounds so stupid. Perhaps I am even an idiot for thinking this way but for some reason my brain refuses to obey. I can imagine everyone I know living this normal life but for some reason I just can’t do it for myself.
Am I just weird?
5 comments
No, you’re not weird. 🙁
Mm… well, realistically speaking, all sorts of possibilities depending on your circumstances, and I’m not sure if it’s really all thst black and white.
Maybe there’s a lot of ups and downs to whatever path you go through and where you end up, you never know. :p
But to be honest, I’m kind of leaning more towards cynical darkness and wanting to give up to…
I feel like making friends or having a girlfriend in real life would be really hard if not impossible because everyone will just judge me and I don’t really have good living conditions… but sometimes I kind of want to try before really giving up, if I want it enough, and I think of do…
But at the same time, I jist feel so exhausted all the time and feel like dying prematurely, idk…
I envisioned living alone in the woods in a home I built completely on my own with just my two hands. I envisioned being in this place by at least two years ago. I knew that I had every ounce of skill required to make this dream reality.
The reality is I’ve been dragged to mental hospital 4 times, and arrested 3 times. Life in now no longer bearable and the only life I wanted I no longer even want. The only life I have now is where I am invisible.
For me it feels like I have no choice to decide. Like I don’t belong to myself, but I belong to someone/something else
This post is a month old, but I still want to say that it’s not stupid to think that way. It’s the same for me, I can’t see any “normal life” happening.
Or maybe I’m just stupid and weird too ? Who knows…
I know the definition of “normal life” is warped based on what general society considers to be acceptable but I want to be “normal” myself too. I just can’t seem to do it. It’s like looking a pot of soup. Everyone eats the soup saying its delicious. However, I know there’s droppings in it and I can’t bring myself to unseeing what has been seen.
It’s like when people say suck it up or just smile. That doesn’t make it change, that just makes them more comfortable.