No way out

I genuinely feel like I cannot escape misery. The source of this misery is myself, but I’m so fundamentally broken that I cannot improve.

I wanted to kill myself since I was 9. I was getting bullied, I had no friends, my mom was in a terrible shape mentally and was an incompetent parent. Dad doesn’t exist (even my mom doesn’t know who he is).

People don’t want to spend time with me. I’m not a likeable person, in fact, I’m somewhat of a dickhead actually. I’m that guy that will disagree with you just to start an intellectual debate. From my experience, people fucking hate that. I’m Mr. Disagreeable in the feminist agreeable west.

When I was a teenager, I had bad behaviour habits. People told me I need to break those. I did. Result? Fucking nothing. Still an outcast.

You could kill me by inviting me to a party and me actually turning up. I’m not a shy person, but parties are the bane of my existence.

My life involves sitting in front of a computer and gaming. All the time. I rarely leave me room and it would be my preference not to leave, ever again.

I cannot connect with people. Small talk, breaking the ice, ‘so-how-are-you-doing’. nnnope. Awkward silence, all the time. I either have nothing to say or, if the ‘conversation’ wanders to something I am interested in I say too much. Lately I just say nothing and avoid people altogether because I know that I cannot chat.

I get laughed at a lot. Most of the time I don’t understand why.

I cannot make myself do things. My body is running on autopilot and I’m sitting in the cockpit, screaming at the machinery and trying to make it do what I want, all hopeless. Nothing productive in my free-time, ever. I even neglect essentials or leave them until the last second (or after).

When I do make myself do things, I fail. And it’s funny because people praise me: Oh, you’re such a good worker. You write great essays. And then: nothing. I did well at school, only to be hit by a government sanction in the year of graduation. The year before, I would have been in the best university of the country. That year, the numbers were cut.

Then the country (an eastern european one) started descending into a Russian-style oligarch dictatorship. Everybody who can is fleeing the country. There is no hope for me there.

Then I moved to the UK, but here, I am just a filthy foreigner. Last time I tried to get an education I got sabotaged by the incompetent bureaucracy of student finance england. I did everything they asked me to, but they still refused to make my last payments. I was forced to get a full-time job and my studies fell apart.

I completely lack motivation. A housemate once told me that my problem is that I haven’t had enough positive experiences. This one stuck with me.

Women resent me with a passion. There is something about me that women recoil from, all of them. I’m not a shy guy, I used to approach any girl I liked, only to be refused. I got refused more than any guy on this website, I guarantee that.

Since last November I didn’t try and I won’t try again. I had sex with this girl from work and the day after she regretted it and fabricated an allegation of rape. How pretentious and false her claim was is proven by how she never went to the police, she was satisfied with getting me fired from my job (we’re sorry, we know you’re innocent, but we cannot risk this girl going to the media as our business will be hurt by a backlash). It was my dream-job. I loved working there and I was hoping for a career. The boss loved me, I was their favourite employee.

Some other girls around work got me into trouble, weather I made explicit sexual advances or just came around to say hi. They frame me as some perv, and say that I’m HARASSING them. I’m not, they just don’t like me and want to get rid of me.

If I keep this up and try talking to women I’ll end up in prison. Legally, I am completely defenceless in front of them. By sticking my penis into one I submit my life to them: they can do or say anything to me and drag me through a courtroom with impunity and minimal risks, regardless if I’ve done something right or wrong.

And then there’s all the men that were destroyed by their partners later in life, in their forties, fifties. It seems to me that women are fundamentally dangerous and I shouldn’t be approaching them. If I was falsely accused of rape in my twenties, who says I won’t be falsely accused of domestic abuse in my forties by a similarly malicious woman who wants an easily won court case?

My mother is, by now severely disabled. The only source of money in the family is my step-dad but I’m not comfortable asking him for anything. He’s a good guy, we’re just not on that level. So I get no support from them (once a year I might ask them for something if I’m super desperate).

I keep switching jobs. The last one was horrible and was hurting my mental health and my self-esteem really bad. The last 2 before that was ended by conspiring whores, even though my performance was commended by both jobs.

I don’t recall the last time I was ‘out with friends’.

I deeply resent the person that I am. If I was someone else, I’d tell the person I am now to kill himself. Completely worthless.

I know that everything I do will fail. It always has, always will, it’s the benchmark of my existence. I know that I will always be ‘just’ short of getting that job, getting that promotion or that certain victory.

When I was younger, everyone said how smart I was. Yet it’s been too long out of education for me now, I neglected my brain for too long and now it’s covered under layers of cobwebs, mental health problems and a lack of belief that I can succeed at anything. I once had creative potential, but it was never nourished and now it’s too late. (I’m 26). Even if I got back into education, I would need to be motivated and do stuff in my own time, such as creating stuff related to my subject, but as I said I am not in control of myself and I can’t make myself do things.

I cannot make myself any more appropriate for others. Jordan Peterson said that you’ll know if your surroundings demand too much change from you because you start resenting everyone. That checks. I fucking hate people. Superficial, pretentious, ignorant, dishonest scumbags.

All I do is play video games and smoke weed. That’s all I want to do. If you gave me a lump sum of money…I was going to say that I would just sit at home and keep doing that, but then I realised I wouldn’t. I would try to do something with it, that would be a way out, I could perhaps start a business. But there’s no magic money so it doesn’t matter.

Every time I poke my nose out my door it just gets SLAMMED HARD. Last time I tried studying I was slapped by a £3000 overpayment bill. Later that day I was handcuffed by officers because I took a kitchen knife off the shelf of a supermarket and went into a staff-only area where I wanted to cut my throat. Last time I had sex it ruined my life. Last time I tried interacting with women I lost my job. Last time I went to a party I came home thirty minutes later, 10 times more sad then I was when I left.

So no money, no jobs (other than sustaining on starbucks level minimum wage crap and who wants to live like that?), no education, no friends, no family, no girlfriend, no children, no future, nothing.

So the question is, why not hang myself today?