I need to let this out so I don’t act it out.

I am mentally disabled, labeled bipolar, but aside from that I’ve always been different, not queer, just different, even unable to fit in with people who don’t fit in.  From childhood to adult, I’ve always seemed to acquire a bully.  Not just a normal bully, but someone who fixates on me and obsessed over devising ways to make me miserable.

I sometimes feel as if I’m in the matrix being harrassed by agents so to speak.  No matter what work I’ve tried, or places I’ve come to live, mobs with torches and pitchforks are never far behind.  It’s always an uphill climb, at night, in the rain, with one leg, and I am tired.

I am tired of fighting for every step just to lost ground.  I’m tired of seeing most people succeed while I put 110% of myself into everything I do and still fail.  I’ve taken to doing nothing at all, people hate me all the same.

I’m smart and have a lot of character, but I’m very sad, angry, and downtrodden.  I’ve spent the past two years unemployed across from sociopathic neighbor who picks fights with me every weekend.  One night I pushed him.  Now I’m being evicted.

There was a character in a movie called Vatel that I empathised with.  He was nobel, giving freely of all his time and expertise to the demands of others, but he was completely taken for granted, forgetting that he was just an expendable cog in machinery of an affluent court.  It was too much for him.

I feel like that.  I feel that I gave all I had to give a long time ago only to find out the American dream died before I was born.  All that’s left is the rat race, and I am not a rat.

I don’t know what to do.  I feel confused and paralyzed.  All I wanted was a year or two off working to recover from my problems, but I never found the peace and safety to get better.