Today I was more afraid of living than I was of dying.

I’ve been procrastinating school responsibilities lately and my externship starts next semester. I’m absolutely petrified. One of my professors said, “If you don’t believe in yourself, no one is going to believe in you.” This keeps creeping into my mind. I don’t believe in myself. I’m not stupid. I’m a good test taker, but when it comes to interacting with people, I feel like I don’t connect. What if I freeze? What if I say something stupid? What if I cry? Suicide has increasingly been on my mind due to these thoughts, among others. When I was in high school (I’m 23 now) I tried to hang myself in my closet, but my feet touched the floor. I was too scared to try again, until today. I would tie up the noose a different way and it would work. It was good timing too. My mom and brother were out of the house and only my dad was home sleeping. It’s funny how imaging hanging myself became comforting, but while I was setting up, I had to cram down thoughts of family and friends to focus on the reasons why I was doing this. I wish I could go back to first my attempt and get it right. I was 12 and self-centered. Sure, I thought about my family finding me and grieving, however, now that I’m older I can see how more specifically my action would fuck with their lives. I stood on the chair for about a half hour before I kicked it away.

Shit my feet are partially on the floor and noose isn’t tight enough. I’m taking little gasps of air. My neck hurts. Panic. I have to get out of this. How long will I be stuck here? I can’t die if I’m still breathing. I reach out my feet where they touch the legs of the chair, but it’s too far away. It’s scraping and banging on the doorway. Daddy do you hear that? I manage to get the chair closer. It’s still on its side, but close enough that I have better footing. Next, get out of the noose. Grip the rod above my head for balance. It won’t loosen enough. My only option is to untie the knots one handed. I’m glad I didn’t tie more. I’m sweating, and my arms and legs are shaking. I can do this. I have no choice. Finally, I’m free.

I’m stuck in this terrible in between of knowing I can’t attempt again, while also wishing I didn’t have to face tomorrow.