My goodbye sorries.

I’m sorry… I’m sorry to everybody that I don’t have enough strength to get through everything anymore. I’m sorry that I’m hurting and need it to stop and there is only one way for that to happen. I’m sorry for being “selfish”, although I have never seen it that way. As much as I might try to blame this on my parents, my school, my work or my friends, it’s nobody’s fault but my own for letting myself live in such mental agony that I can no longer deal with.

First of all, I need to make sure that my beautiful cat is looked after properly. She needs love, she needs cuddles and most importantly she needs me. As I am no longer going to be able to be there to love, nurture and raise my cat, I am afraid she may no longer be living as long as she has because I truely believe she is kept alive by love. I hope so much that she gets treated better and not just all the names everyone in my family horribly calls her. My daughter cat, I am so sorry that I have to leave before you do. I had never thought I would go through with this while you’re still here and honestly I would not have gotten this far without you to love me. Thankyou for being the most important part of the better 10 years of my life. I love you more than words on this blog could ever describe. Try to stay happy my baby, I only want that for you…

To my best friend, I hope you can forgive me… You have done everything you could have to help me and I am so beyond grateful for all of it. We may have fights but it only hurts me the most because you mean so much to me. I seriously could not have asked for a better friend than you, and everybody sees it too. I’m sorry for doing this again, because I know it’s going to hurt you. Try not to let it get to you too much because as much as it pains me to see it, you already have enough unfairness on your plate which I really hope you get through because you deserve nothing less than the world. Thankyou for helping to get me this far in life. I was always able to come to you for help, advice or simply a shoulder to cry on and I’m sorry that you’re longer going to be able to do the same with me. I’ll miss seeing you basically every day and never getting sick of each other. I honestly appreciate you more than anyone and always will. I love you so much. Sorry for breaking my promises… Stay strong gorgeous and I’ll see you down the track <3

Mum. You know, you almost figured out that there was something wrong with me… You were so close to discovering how much I needed help yet I succeeded before and it was too late. I’m sorry that I could never open up to you about any of this but I think it was mostly because I didn’t want to hurt you. I know that if you knew you would worry about me and not get sleep. You’ve always been so protective and caring like that. If you ever have to read this, know how much I love you – more than words on this page could ever describe. Do you remember how you used to use me as an example of how people should properly tell you they love you? Please take care of yourself and everyone else in the family. I know we have had our disagreements but it was always the fault of me and I’m sorry for that. I guess the pain that I caused you to put on me added to everything else that you didn’t know that was going on… Aside from that, I could not have asked for a better loving mum. Thanks for literally keeping me alive – until now. Don’t at all blame yourself, it’s myself who didn’t let you in with any of my problems until it was too late. Again, I love you mum. I’m sorry to hurt you but it’s time for me to say one last goodnight and sweet dreams.

To my other amazing friends and family (you should know who you are), I honestly have appreciated each and every one of you so much. Some of you I let in but most of you I didn’t so this may come to a shock to you. I cannot thank you all enough for being there for me, making me smile or simply keeping me company. I was so grateful to have such an amazing extended family who I would spend every second with if I could have. I’m grateful to the friends who made me happy for the time being, you guys should all know that there was never anything I’d rather do than hangout with each one of you. Without everyone here, I would not have lasted this long. I’m sorry that I finally gave in weak… My infinite love goes to all those that I care about. I’m deeply sorry again, but you’ll get on with life eventually without me – and I hope they are all good long lives 🙂

One last sorry. One last I love you. I gave in to all the pain and pressure that life was piling on me until eventually I caved in and could no longer stand the idea of living. I did this not thinking of the consequences, but simply of the fact that I would rather die than live such a miserably painful life everyday. Take care everyone, and don’t follow in my footsteps.

<3