I read today that when we experience trauma, any kind of trauma, it affects our capacity to function. We no longer respond to situations freely.
Trauma affects us by creating fear and pain. Trauma isn’t just physical. It goes deeper into our brains, tunnelling through vital psychic processes.
We respond to situations by either being afraid or by being in pain. Of course, we don’t even know that we are doing this.
On reflection, I feel like this might be true for me. Even though I cannot remember any traumatic incident that occurred to me in childhood, I still feel like my response to situations is out of fear or anxiety.
Always.
I am always so afraid. So anxious. It is debilitating.
And I have lost the capacity to feel happy.
On another note, I hate my office. My boss is a terrible person. Perhaps. I am not sure but I feel it.
I hate being alive, like this, and fading away slowly into an assured nothingness.
I take anti-anxiety pills but they don’t work anymore. They make me want to talk but there’s no one to talk to.
I wish it were over already.
I want to do something. Something. Anything else. Something I love. But I am so afraid of being wrong that I am stuck.