I’m not okay.
I tell myself this at least twice a day, regardless of where I am.
I’m not okay.
There’s a sea of pain in side me.
I feel numb.
I will never live up to my potential.
Nothing makes sense. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.
Oh, how I feel raw and stunted. Emotionally. Physically. Psychologically.
I will never be a writer. I will never be that person.
I will never write a book.
I will never get ahead in a career that I hate.
I will never connect to anyone because I am so afraid and crushed by this demon that lives inside me. It feeds off me, little by little, and I know that one day it will drive me to death.
I dream of dying every day.
I imagine killing people every day.
I’ve tried getting better, but it never does. The more difficulties you surmount, the more difficulties are thrown your way. It’s a never ending struggle. I don’t understand it. And I don’t want to live it.
People tell me to do this or that, do yoga, live healthy, be happy–just fit in.
And every time, I feel like saying,
“What’s the point?”
I cannot handle change. I cannot handle life.
I am tired, weary and worn. I cannot, cannot live so long.
I won’t.
4 comments
It is normal to feel this way. Life is so long and tiring not everyone can be on their a-game all the time. Most people have unlucky streaks for years at a time where they feel so much pain. I guess they tend to keep it to themselves and bottle everything up. It is good you are expressing yourself in your own way. It could always turn around. You just have to remember the good times. When I am stressed I will try to lose myself in a good memory. For example, the past and its histories. Like 20 years ago for example before everything became a giant sh*t-storm. If those super old people can live to be 100, why shouldn’t we all be able to keep up? It’s regular stress, the push and pull of life. Then again, I see younger and younger people passing and living shorter lives everyday. I guess it’s truly up to you what happens to you. You gotta have strong willpower to get through. It helps to believe in yourself. It is like tug of war.
This must be a daily battle for you. and i do hope it gets better.
Reading some of your past posts i really feel for you. you are still young and seem to struggle with daily life.
What i do think to sense is that you are trying too hard. You regret quiting school and you regret not being able to write the book you so much want to write. And you regret a lot of things. You seem to have a very low self-esteem, think you are weak. For one thing, if you are struggling this hard and still hold your job, you are not weak! You are strong as hell. If you can put your feelings to paper/computer like this you are very smart also. It’s not wrong to regret things, but it doesnt help. Regret one day, then the next day go on with doing other things (you will surely regret later 😉 ). Everybody has regrets. No need to dwell on them.
Stop laying the bar this high for yourself. You dont need to finish school to be happy. You dont need to write a book to be happy. Just enjoy the day for what it is. Dont set everlasting goals to reach. do what you like to do and dont care what other people think. There’s no goal to reach in life. A goal is a restriction. You can do anything, including nothing. Just do what you like. Dont do things to impress others, or to look good….
I wrote a book. Several. Non-fiction, but still; books. I always wanted to write them also. They didnt sell very well. I could decorate my whole house with them. Writing them didnt make me happier. Nor sadder. It was just a project i wanted to fulfill but i now know it didnt really matter. I got no huge admiration from it from others.
Look for happyness in the simple things of life. In NOT having to impress, and NOT having to reach goals. Just enjoy the day, the sun, a walk in the park, talking to whoever, dancing around the house. Its an awesome start in getting your head a bit clearer.
As for anti-depressants; if they give you suicidal ideas its a good idea to change to another type. Talk to your docter. also, you shouldnt just take them now and then. Starting and stopping them is often what causes problems. You should use them and keep using them, or not user them at all. If you are stopping them you will need to have a plan for that, taking a tiny bit less weak by weak. read up on that if you are not aware. Suicidal feelings can be triggered by the anti depressants. You dont want that.
Hope i helped a bit. I wont tell you to do yoga, or just be happy. just dont club yourself this much on the head about not being worthy. You are!
Thank you for your kind words… I am trying to not think about living beyond the present day.. Not worrying about what tomorrow might bring… It helps. But sometimes, I fall back into my old patterns. But anyhow, it’s still progress.
ah, i made some spelling mistakes. sorry, i’m Dutch. 🙂