Late Night Thoughts

Late at night around 10:00pm or 11:00pm, (10:49pm right now) I get so sad and upset. I don’t know why, but i just do. I guess it is around the time i feel lonely and my mind is just active.

I see all these posts on instagram and VSCO, people always seem so happy. Yes, i do know that they don’t post the sad and depressing stuff on social media, but like i also see them in person all happy and energetic, yes i also do know they could be acting. But anyways i see the happiness, and i get even more sad and wanting to die even more because everyone seems like they got their life figured out. Here is me crying all the time, mainly because i am thinking about my future. I wish i had everything figured out. I wish i could be happy. I wish we could say what emotion we want to feel them bam, we feel it.

I wish i was happy, i wish i was pretty. I want to be skinner than i already am. I want to feel like myself again, but i can’t. I just want to die. Be in Heaven, see the people i love and miss. Be with God, i heard it was beautiful and everyone is so kind. I hope that it is. i also heard that if you kill yourself, you go to Hell, and maybe that is why i haven’t killed myself yet. I don’t want to go to Hell, i want to go to Heaven. I want to be with all the pretty angels. I want to know how beautiful it is in Heaven. Because being down here is so awful and yes i’m sure there are beautiful things on Earth as well, but you can’t see how beautiful they are with a negative aspect of everything. At least not the true beauty. God, why do i have to live like this? Help me become happy again or take me out of it. The hurt and pain is too much now-a-days.

-AJ