Staring at the edge

I know any old timers who are still alive seeing my user name may be shocked to see that I’m still alive. I have been through every pain a person can survive. I wish I could have ended it 15 years ago when I wanted to. People tell you that things will get better. Get therapy, get medication, you’ll get better. Truth is that life gets harder. The only thing that can make you better is happy delusions. I cannot resign myself to delusions no matter how pleasant. I wish I could. In fact because I am still to scared to resign myself to death. I am wiling to try to be deluded. I have been abused in every way. Sexual assult, battery, homeless, robbed, survived 10 years of being married to an abuser only to end up with a worse abuser. Children have either been killed or taken. Tried to separate from all family members who perpetrate the abuse. Now I find I’m all alone there is nothing left. Some people say this is an opportunity for healing. But, I find being alone and cold, no will to decorate for Christmas, just urges me to take a carving knife and plunge it through my ribs. I know if I pierce my heart and quickly remove it death will be fast. But, I am afraid to cross over. One part of me believes there will be nothing, another believes I’ll have to go for a life review. I really don’t want to re-live the fuck up that I’ve been.