01:42am

to be honest i tried to write something for the past ten minutes but i dont even know what to say or how to start. its past midnight and i cant sleep (again). i dont know what to do with my thoughts, i dont have anyone i could possibly talk to, i did it once and i immediately regretted it. its not like they dont care or dont listen to me its just that i dont like other people knowing about my personal struggles and thoughts. theyre mine and i dont want anyone to know what goes on in my messed up head. thats why i still havent seen a therapist even though my doctor told me to look for one. i cant bring myself to it. it was already so hard for me to go see my doctor and talk to him and i regretted it afterwards. ive had depression for about three years now and it just gets worse every day. im sixteen, turning seventeen this year, and it makes me sad whenever i think about how my peers enjoy their lives with friends and family surrounding and spending time with them whereas i barely have any friends and struggle with social anxiety as well as depression and a broken family. i feel suffocated and lonely. i want to disappear but i dont want to die, it doesnt make sense, does it?