I cannot articulate in my wildest dreams how desperately I crave after a family. It’s the only reason I have to continue living, and it seems so mind bendingly far away that it makes me want to cry. I haven’t spoken to anyone about this emotion I feel. It’s ripping me apart.
I’m at university; I spend countless hours every day and every night plowing through mountains of work, in the desperate hope that having a good enough job will ensure that I’ll have a family. Why is it like this? Why is it so impossible for me to reach for the one thing I want in the world? I am more alone than I can even express. I feel like its impossible for me to have any real connection with anyone, like everyone is a psychopathic animal who would rip me to pieces at the slightest outstretch of the hand. Every second that I go without wife and child is a second of my life wasted and worthless. Nothing else has any purpose to it; everything falls to the wayside. I hunger like a starving animal for intimacy with others, for companionship, for a goal higher than the next test score or the next useless escapist project.
I want innocence again. I want a tangible sense that I am a human being. I want to know that there are people out there, one way or another, that wish I would outstretch the hand to them. I feel like I live in a nightmare.