weird asf

so, usually i’m hopelessly depressed. i truly cannot tell you a time in which i was able to envision a future. still can’t. really weird stuff cause now im in high school and i don’t know what im supposed to do cause i cant imagine myself anywhere, doing anything. also idk how to kill myself. i mean like obv i know i could do carbon monoxide or jump or whatever, but like i cant do it. which sounds stupid and now everyone here is going to think im some annoying teen with no problems but like im really sad but i cant kill myself but i also i just want to disappear. i wont lie and say im like a total outcast but im pretty close to it. like i really tried to be close with people but it didnt work cause we’re all on different wavelengths or whatever. and honestly the only reason im alive is because of my brother. and i guess my parents care or whatever but nobody actually does. like it’ll take them a while to recover after im gone but then when they finally get over it itll be like nothing really happened. which is great cause id like to minimize damages but im afraid it my affect my brother cause hes a kid and i dont want him to grow up with the dead older sister. i get like that the most popular question on google is like “what do i do if i dont want to die but i dont want to be alive” or whatever and honestly that pretty perfectly sums it up i guess. also for some reason a very odd sense of “hApPiNEsS” (very awful word to sum up the situation, does not describe it, i dont really know what it means tbh) and im trying to make myself more depressed LMAO. but besides that im basically heartless. only people who can make me emotional are my parents tbh. im at a loss for words rn so im going to wrap this up here. idk if ill be back here, not because i killed myself but because im really bad at keeping up with shit like this lol peace sorry i suck at being depressed ( not a phase or personality trait i PROMISE)