I don’t know what to do please help I need advice

Well I used this website before and honestly it’s a really helpful and supporting place and I’ve never experienced any type of hate being here so I decided to use it again and I thank the people on this website for being so nice to me when sharing my feelings really means a lot and would gladly do the same . I don’t even know how to put all that I’m feeling into proper words. I’ve been going through a lot in my own head. I constantly put myself down and I’m always saying that I hate myself. And the worse part is everything I say to myself I believe… I don’t like myself… I hate being who I am… I wish I didn’t exist or was never born cause I’m always constantly feeling like I make peoples life’s worse… I don’t know how to even talk to people anymore like a regular person. There was a time in life where I had to get hospitalized for my bipolar depression and for a while I was doing okay and but as time goes by I just hate myself more and more and I feel like it’s never going to stop. I always never really liked myself. Maybe as a kid but as I was growing up I got bullied a lot in elementary and middle school and a little bit in high school but not too much. All those moments just replay over and over again in my head and just remind me of why I hate myself and I just feel like giving up sometimes. I’m trying to change so I can’t feel this way anymore but due to the circumstances of the world right now it’s hard to change being stuck in the house all day which is basically what I did before and I was really depressed. There are some bright side to my life obviously I have a phone A roof over my head and a very supportive boyfriend Who helps me out with all these thoughts And I think God for these things that some people don’t have but we are all dealing with a different type of struggle no one’s life is ever perfect I was just really like some advice on how I could change the way I feel about myself because it’s come to a point where I don’t want people to be around me anymore and the only way to do that is to get rid of myself and I already tried it once and it failed And I didn’t even tell anyone and the only thing that stops me a boyfriend will be sad and so hurt if I did that to myself and he’s been trying to help me for so long so I’m trying to reach out to someone else to see if they could help me rethink myself So I can feel just a little better about myself Because I’ve been feeling this way for so long and it doesn’t only hurt me it hurts my boyfriend to see me like this knowing that he’s been trying to help me and it’s not working. Like I’ve never felt this type of hatred toward myself like it’s so different than anything I’ve ever felt before it’s like I just can’t stand myself and I just wanna feel a little better I doubt anyone would even read half of this but if you do thank you and I appreciate you reading a small part of my story I might upload a lot more on this website it helps me a lot after texting my feelings down about how I feel about myself it’s calmed me down from ballistic crying I hope everyone good night stay safe and Wash your hands