I’m so sick of crying, I cut myself to calm down a bit and to enable myself to sleep. But I wake 3 hours later and now I’m crying again.
They’re not deep cuts, as I don’t intend to inflict serious damage… but I’ve resorted to it too often as a coping mechanism that it’s lost it’s effectiveness. Cutting would usually knock me out for at least 7 hours but not this time. I’ve done multiple little cuts… here’s to trying deeper ones…
I have to sleep.. so I can study later, exams are coming soon. I just.. I just can’t let this suffering ruin my entire life. I have to sacrifice my left arm, numb the pain and then push on. I know there’s a lot worth living for. But I just can’t stop crying. I’m sick of it. Sick of myself, sick of this pain. I want it to stop. I don’t want to have to pretend I’m okay. But how much more cutting and shedding of blood until it’s enough? What will become of my arm? What is wrong with me?
9 comments
I’ve read your post and I appreciate your existence so please don’t let go.
thank you Holy requiem <3
I understand how you’re feeling. My left arm is in the same state as yours right now.
Have you got any friends that you can talk to?
I feel slight guilt when I look at my arm, but hey, at least I feel better now and am not wasting my entire day in bed. I’ve got friends to talk to about problems I’m facing but I don’t discuss cutting as a coping method. I mean, I’ve mentioned it before and of course, they showed concern but don’t understand as to why I do it, since they don’t do it themselves. What about yourself?
Yes, similar to you. I think it’s more in my mind that no one cares but they do. I guess I feel not worthy of anyone’s time or help.
You are not alone. I have no solution to offer for the cutting but I can offer this: don’t beat yourself up over it, sometimes you need to cope the best way you can and when you are feeling up to the challenge you can work on finding a healthier coping skill.
It’s difficult to not beat oneself sometimes though, especially when I hold high expectations of myself. I guess for now it suffices as a coping method, but after exams I’ll think and write about more constructive methods.
I understand your pain BrokenClock because unfortunately, my parents have hammered in the idea of perfectionism and it negatively impacted me. In fact, I called them out on it and how they are responsible for some of the pain that I feel on a regular basis. So don’t focus on what you couldn’t or didn’t do but what you were able to accomplish. So please keep fighting as will I because the world needs us more than ever at this point given the state it is in.
It’s hard. I really beat myself up about it too, it was a crisis text line that finally said that maybe it’s what I needed right now and that it doesn’t have to be fixed right this second when everything else is falling apart. That was when I realized that if it was working to keep me alive then it was better than the alternative. I also made sure not to promise anyone to stop, because broken promises hurt. Self harm can be a viscous cycle when you are angry with yourself for doing it, because that feeling of guilt makes you do it more and that makes you feel more guilty.
I’m not saying to be proud that you are hurting yourself to cope, just don’t make it a negative if it’s what you need.
I don’t think anyone who hasn’t self harmed as a coping skill can quite wrap their head around why hurting yourself can make you feel better. It doesn’t make sense unless you’ve experienced it and even then it’s a bit of a backwards explanation. I tried talking about it and got a lot of “I don’t get it, you should stop” reactions.