I can usually get past the days when he splits me. When I go from the person he needs more than anything to get thru his bad days to the embodiment of all evil he has ever seen, experienced, imagined he’s experienced.
I know this is from quarantine. Partly. It’s made ‘normal’ issues bigger. And I’ve done my best to not tell him how bad stores were, how hard some things have been to find at all. Tried to work from home myself as much as I could when he was lonely, but now he hates me and ‘has no privacy’. He insists on telling me how much I hate him, how mean I am, how I deserved to be abused growing up by my bipolar borderline parents. How He just doesn’t like me, believe me, all women are liars, out to screw men over. Days of this. Weeks of it. Months. I have a higher resilience because of having bpd parents and no one to talk to, no siblings, no other family… but it hurts a lot now, no siblings, no family to talk to. I want to end. Be gone. I am tired. I am used up.
I don’t share these outbursts with friends. Not in detail. At most I say, last night was just a bad night,’ and they equate it to their couples fights, not knowing he just asked where the gasoline is so he can ‘make me tell the truth,’ and then comes in the room with rubbing alcohol, lid off, and threatens to pour it on me more than once. I can only assume with the intent of lighting me on fire. He has poured a beer on me before, tells me I am no ‘battered wife’ and I can leave at any time. This, knowing my father kicked me out at 19 parlty because I was dating him. Knowing that a ‘home’ is something I guess I’ve never had, since he insists this is ‘his’ castle. I jist do all chores, errands, most cooking, work full time, take care of pets, car, yard, nope, I am a lazy ***** who he ‘allows’ to do my ‘little sewing projects and play with the cats’.
These outbursts usually happen maybe once a quarter? Maybe a few times over a week or two, then the crisis is past. Bit they have gotten worse as he has aged. They were bad in our 20s. Tapered in our 30s. And in our 40s he is getting more violent. He now has diabetes, the worst rages coincide with his sugar lows, but his image of me… hurts. He projects all his nasty thoughts onto me, and I am just too worn down to combat it effectively using the tools for bpd. I am tired. He claims I have no knowledge of pain, have never been suicidal. BS. I have come up with ways since I was 9 years old and talked dad down the first time. He and mom had multiple attempts, I learned a lot. Dad threatened murder suicide a lot when I was 15. It triggered my insomnia, never knowing if I’d have to save him or fight him off.
Usually, worries of being found and hurting someone with that experience has kept me from doing it. Last night I didn’t care anymore. And I still feel like this.
10 comments
Holy shit that’s quite a tale.
I was surprised to see the 20’s 30’s 40’s stuff. You’ve been together for a long time. I normally expect relationships like that to end before long.
Your own father threatened murder suicide? Wow, that’s over the top. And now your husband comes in the room with a bottle of rubbing alcohol because he’s thinking of lighting you on fire.
Talk about an unfortunate recurring theme in life.
I hope you two don’t have kids. That might seem like a mean thing to say, but seriously, growing up in that environment is not good. Im sure you know that.
Geez lady, I feel for you, and your husband. He’s obviously very psychologically tormented. Since Im removed from the situation and don’t bear the abuse, it’s easy for me to be compassionate. You on the other hand are to be perhaps commended for remaining there. I bet without you he’d crumble to powder and blow away.
Sadly, life in this world is full of these sorts of situations. I have to believe that we go through them for some good reason.
I’m just sad that you two can’t make the best of it and enjoy love. I hope he realizes he has a serious problem. Lighting your wife on fire is not a healthy thought to consider, obviously.
Can you talk to him about this? Is he in denial about it all, or does he acknowledge that he’s messed up?
He had disassociated some by that point, so it isn’t quite ‘him’ at that time. He may not fully remember it.
I AM tying to make the best of it. I have no idea why I was an only child of two unstable parents who had me parent them, except to prepare me for this. It jist still hurts.
There is no ‘talking it out’. It just keeps the argument going or outs him into toxic shame, neither is good.
Only one, and only one thing: Run far away from this man; your life will never be okay so long as you’re with him, this negative person drains everything you’ve got.
Like, he’s literally incredibly abusive!!
Perhaps this is familiar to you: https://2.bp.blogspot.com/_SAn6P9i8zZ4/TKqP7YmKvQI/AAAAAAAABes/pGV5PXz0UOU/s1600/cycle_violence.gif
if he is truly BPD, then you will never win. DSM IV describes BPD ad narcissistic personality disorder as the most difficult conditions to treat as the patient will never admit the problem is theirs. i had a gf that was BPD. i ran away as fast as i could and its the best decision i have ever made. i know you hae been together a long time, but just being around someone forever doesnt make you responsible for them. you wont help him ever and he is the only one that can help himself and if he sees no problem with his actions, then you are stuck in limbo with a miserable person. it will start to bring you down, wear you out, bring you down to his level, make you think something is wrong with you.
i suggest an extended stay away from him with no contact and see if thing change. if not, that is your answer. you baker act him he will spite and hate you. you offer help and you are calling him weak.
i feel for your pain and situation. i wish you the best.
I’m not disagreeing about him being abusive but I am disagreeing about the BPD because I have that and I am none of those you discribed. People have actually said I’m very loving and caring. Considering you are on a site where people have disorders like that you should really watch how you word things and not group people together like that. It’s nothing more then stereotypical bullsh*t.
no name,
no offense meant – he has it. It presents differently in people, there are many expressions of BPD as well as severity. My parents both had it, his actions match theirs, but in a lesser magnitude. He also acts much like spouses on the spouse-of-bpd-groups, some of which I’ve been a member for over a decade, where we work to find loving ways to stay with them.
People also see him as a loving caring person – the noticeable effects are usually reserved for those closest, in the most intimate relationships where the most unhappy behavior surfaces. This is where boundaries are blurred or nonexistent, and the spouse is seen as an extension of all the other person’s haets within themselves, and the spouse, as the “favorite” person, are the external processing units for those feelings when they are split. And since this like all things exists on a spectrum, the level of behavior exhibited may not be that alarming compared to someone else. Some people may just go silent, they may say some mean words. Others do more. Perhaps being in a relationship for 24 + years and getting past certain ages, and developing multiple physical conditions exacerbated things beyond what you’ve lived through, making his behavior worse than anything you feel you’ve done.
People are often the cruelest to those they are closest to, even without additional issues. Then he is the most worthless person ever until he rebounds. There are photos of this cycle.
I have an immune disorder. A girl in the building over from me at work has it. The same disorder affects us very differently. I do not claim she doesn’t have it because her life with it differs from mine, nor do I take offense when people talk about different circumstances around the same disorder.
And, I am not here to quibble or offend, I was here seeking a way to not self-harm during a very bad night. I’m sorry if considerations of all feelings of others was not my main priority instead of seeking ways to distract myself and have a haven to speak and stay away from sharp objects.
its not you that offended me. i have my bad days however jimmyluv made it seem like all days are bad and we are the worse people on the planet and to avoid us like the plague.
i cant speak for others but i know myself im “often the cruelest to those they are closest to” but thats because i feel safe around them and i dont feel the need to hold anything back. sometimes even the “bad things” arent all that bad.
jimmyluv,
I understand. I was very confused for about the 1st 10 years as to what was wrong, where the instant anger and rage came from, how he could “reset” from it while I was still reeling from it. I came across BPD as I was healing from my abusive BPD mother and father, both. It was me as an only child, playing referee to them. Looking back, I am lucky to be here on mutiple fronts.
My husband has “reset”. He’s still several levels below his “normal”, and will be until we can get him out of quarantine. I am working to get a few things together, one set of germaphobic friends is willing to come over, they know we’ve been cautious and also, the husband’s family has a lot of bipolar and schizophrenia, so while I tell them very little, I think he understands.
I think that will help overall. It sounds cliche, but this is NOT daily, the level of mistreatment. Overall, we are well suited for each other, it’s just his perceptions and memories shift with his emotions. Black and White thinking takes over, and I am split black, and go from his biggest ally to his worst enemy. This had gotten to where it was much more rare, like maybe every 4-6 months. As the world stress level has increased, his (and my) coping skills have decreased. 🙁
I am in a better place right now – I was able to do some sewing and to get a bird feeder up outside, he went for a walk on his own the other night, so he got time away from the house and me, and I am coming into the office more right now – need to anyway.
maybe some advice from the otherside could help. get into his mind a little bit maybe. did you ever try talking to him on a good day? i know myself im trying to better my situation on good days but on bad days you can basically forget it.