Gone forever

My son committed suicide 18 years ago next month. The day i buried him is the day i became gone forever. I have been in and out of hospitals due to wanting to die. I feel like i did die as i watched my son get lowered into the ground the day of his funeral. I am just a shell with nothing left on the inside. I have finally began counseling after all these years. As a mother of losing a child to suicide i now suffer from ptsd severe depression and severe anxiety. The dreams i have wake me at night as i see my son gone forever. I wake up crying and unable to breathe. My hope is to finally stop cutting on my arms with help from counseling. My hope is that someone who is suicidal may read this and reach out for help knowing how badly a mother suffers from losing her child to suicide. Suicide is not the answer the answer lies within all of us which is called strength. We all have strength even when we feel pain .