I’ve been locking myself away. Haven’t spoken to any of my friends in a month now. I guess I feel like I can’t hurt anyone if I keep myself in a bubble. Me putting myself out there has only caused problems form everyone else. I’m taking steps to make sure I hurt as few people as possible once I finally kill myself. This is one of them.
I know a lot of people are thinking, “why don’t you just do it?” Unfortunately, I’m still living with my family during this pandemic. I don’t want them to have to find my body. The situation will be traumatizing enough for them.
My every mistake seems to run through my head on loop on nights like this. I don’t mind sharing one of them. Your lack of knowledge of it doesn’t make me any better of a person. Plus, I could use a little public humiliation tonight.
I remember in high school I threatened to call the police on my parents because they were forcefully dragging my little brother out of his room. He wasn’t being hurt, he was just being a little over-dramatic brat not wanting to go to school. I just couldn’t take hearing him cry. I screamed that I was going to call the police and stormed into my room. It was a fucking bluff my dumb ass thought up off, but it ended in my parents having to break down my door. They yelled at me, Mom especially. Dad told her to lay off, saying I wasn’t thinking straight. (I wasn’t.) That my condition made me impulsive. But mom said she didn’t care whether I was or not, that I was wrong to do something so stupid. I think what dad said to me hurt the most. That there where plenty of times that they should have called the police on me.
I can’t get those words out of my head. They keep coming back. Whenever my parents smile at me. Whenever they tell me they love me, I hear them. I hear them whenever I upset them too. Whenever I do anything wrong, I hear those words., as if they’re alway on the back burner of my brain. I can’t help but think, “What were those times? What other terrible things have I done?”
So since then, I’ve been keeping track of every wrong thing I’ve ever done. Kinda like keeping score. The little things, the bigger things, everything. Tallying them up, trying to figure out if I’m really worth having as a daughter. My conclusion: no. I’m not. Maybe it’s my condition, maybe it’s just my disposition, but I’m only going to continue hurting people. No “I love you’s” or “I’m sorry’s“ are going to change that. These past years have taught me I’m no good for my family. I’m no good for my friends. I’m no good for anyone.
Is it weird I wish they’d abuse me? My family. I wish they’d say it out loud what a piece of shit I am. I wish my they’d beat me. I feel like I deserve a little pain for all the pain I’ve given them. I wouldn’t tell anyone. I’d cover up the bruises and scars. Keep the secret until I die. The idea of being hurt by someone I hurt, especially if it’s someone I love, makes me feel good. Like maybe there is a little justice in the world. That people like me aren’t just getting out scot-free. But they’re not going to do that. They’re too nice. They’d never hurt someone they love. Not like I have.
I feel sick and my head hurts. I think that’s all I’m going to write for today. I’m sorry if it was long, but thank you for hearing me out.
2 comments
I liked your post, but now I’m thinking of the times I’ve hurt others, esp my mother. There are times that people are being idiotic and deserve to be put in their place or told off. But then at other times it is completely undeserved and just cruel and malicious.
Sometimes we use words as weapons and they work. I didn’t know the influence I had on those around me, because I felt and thought I was worthless. But I never realized at the time that others (family members) valued me and my opinions.
I said some mean and horrible things to my mother because I was in pain myself but she didn’t deserve any of it. I hadn’t considered that she suffered as well and didn’t ask for her situation either.
When I got older and more mature I apologized profusely to her, but she was in her 60s and she swears she doesn’t remember anything I’ve said. Still I know the things I said affected her.
Not to say she was an angel, she was occasionally mean towards my siblings and I when we were kids, but that didn’t make it right. She was just trying to be a good parent in her understanding of it.
It’s funny for most of my life I always saw myself as the victim and the ‘good guy.’ I just never thought I’d be the sort of person that I hate or have bad qualities.
Of course knowing that you have a problem or made mistakes is the first step towards healing. Once I realized what an azzhole I’ve been I tried to be a much better person and I think I mostly succeeded.
I think I got a bit carried away thinking about myself and didn’t really address your post so I’m going to do that below.
I understand the feeling of guilt, remorse and regret and how powerful it can be. Sometimes however we magnify our own faults disproportionately.
Someone who is as considerate of others’ feelings as you are is not likely to be as hurtful as you might think you are. Threatening to call the police in some cases is completely justified, esp in extreme circumstances.
In your case it wasn’t necessary but you just wanted your parents to leave your brother alone and I think you were right in telling them to let him stay at home. Perhaps he felt unwell, it’s not a huge deal to let him skip a day or two. So long as it doesn’t become a habit.
If people know you as your parents do, then they can’t really be hurt if they feel that you might be over-reacting. Also people are more resilient than you realize.
My mean words towards my mother were hurtful but she kept on going with life as she always did, she didn’t fall into any depression or did anything worse.
Also in healthy relationships we’re always testing each other’s limits. It’s a source of humor as well. My friends and I constantly poke fun at each other’s foibles. So honestly despite what you think people can be pretty tough.
You can only have influence over those that you care about and vice versa. The answer is not to shut yourself off from friends and family and contemplate suicide, but the exact opposite, to hang out with others, be a part of their lives.
And to accept that there is some pushing and shoving that happens in relationships, no one is going to break like fine China. I’m sure people have been unkind towards you, so don’t think that you’re always the ‘bad guy.’
We are all social beings and we need people in our lives to be healthy and normal. Believe me I doubt there’s anything you can say that’s too hurtful to those around you. I think your self-hatred is completely undeserved.
If you have been mean/cruel to others the best thing you can do is to say you’re sorry for what you did. You’ll find people can be very forgiving and accepting if you are earnest. As humans we can’t survive without others in our lives.
I couldn’t have been here today if not for my family members helping me and each other out through our darkest times. Even some of my friends have been there for me when things got pretty bad for me and that’s also how you know they’re real friends.
Lastly you probably don’t realize how much your friends/family might actually value having you in their lives. I certainly didn’t as mentioned in my post above, except in hindsight and I realized what a prick I had been. All the best.