Numb?

I know loste of people feel like this alot but I just feel numb right now. I’m anxiety is at a peak and I guess in having an episode and I know im not dealing in the best way but I know im doing  somethings to help. Instead of doing alot of self sabotage I’m only doing alittle. I’m not cutting like I know I could and very well want to right now. I took a xan to hopefully take the edge off of all this in my head and Im getting drunk. I know I don’t really want to because you don’t remember anything and sometimes it could just make thi gs worse. I’m hoping that it’ll make me numb and not feeling anything. Plus you already know I’m smoking weed. But I’ve spent that past two days at my friend Alexis’s house (who is someone I really like and care about but. I just got out of a relationship with Jalen and I’m pretty sure I have commitment issues) but I don’t think I can leave and face being alone right now. I know I wanna hurt myself and staying here will obviously prevent me from doing that. At most points  I feel like I could never actually be able to kill myself but there’s always that 1% of the time that slipe thought my mind … Ahh finally the spins are coming on