I don’t remember how many times I set out to kill myself. I do it by not eating. I still drink water. I do it like this because I think if I can will myself not to eat for 30+ days or however long it takes, then it means I really do want to die. Three times I didn’t eat for over 20 days. I gave in and ate because someone convinced me to, but now there’s no one like that around anymore. So I think this time I will really make it.
I’m transgender and a pornstar and an escort. I started doing sex work by webcam in 2009. Then I moved on to the real porn industry a couple years later. Then I started escorting. I don’t mind sex work I guess. Even the escorting is okay. My problem was being bad with money and not working enough. I never made enough money to make much progress in my transition. It’s very expensive.
I haven’t even aged out completely. I just turned 31. I haven’t gotten fat or anything (I’m good at not eating) and I work out everyday. I could keep working in the industry. But I can’t stand my body anymore, and everything else in my life has fallen apart. I don’t have any friends or family anymore. All my boyfriends have left me. It seems I can keep a relationship for about 2-3 years then they dump me. I’m so alone now.
What I really don’t like about working in the industry is how much it focuses on my dick and me being dominant. I’m not like that in real life. In real life I only date and hook up with guys who are tops and don’t even touch my dick. They just fuck me or I suck their dick. In all my scenes in the industry I’m full of viagra or cialis to be able to get thru it. When I do get to do scenes where I bottom it’s better. I don’t mind it at all, and it can even be fun. The thing is that my dick is pretty big, so you can guess which kinds of scenes they want me to do. I hate having a dick so much.
I never even went to LGBT clubs for very long when I was young because I didn’t like all the gay guys who would be obsessed with my cock and get mad if I didn’t want to top them. So I’d just hook up with regular guys who thought I was cute enough.
And of course when I escort most of my clients want me to top them or suck on it and that’s so disgusting to me. I take viagra but sometimes I still can’t get hard and they get angry which is really scary. One guy took out a knife and told me I couldn’t leave. I just grabbed my stuff and ran past him when he was distracted.
If I had made more money I think I could keep going, but I fucked it all up. I feel like such a failure. I thought I was already suicidal when I was 19 and I decided to do webcam porn. That’s why i started because I was desperate to make money to pay for my transition.
I want to keep trying, but I can’t. Even if I did, when would I have enough $$$? Would I ever? All my best years are behind me and I never got to spend any of them knowing what it would be like to just be a normal girl. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I just want it to end. I’ve cried all my life for hours and hours at a time. I try to be strong and just keep trying to make it but every so often I have to break down and cry. And as I get older there’s been less and less time in between bad days where I cry. And now I do like everyday and I can’t do it anymore. I cry and scream in my head or out loud over and over how much I hate god for making me like this. It doesnt make any sense and its not fair. Why even make transgender ppl? Its nothing but torture to exist like this.
I really did try so hard to make $$$ to transition. The only reason I didn’t work enough was because it took so much out of me doing those topping scenes and sessions. If I just had a little dick, and not been forced to top so much, then I’m sure I could’ve done it. I don’t mind the sex work just the sex work they wanted me to do.
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4 comments
Don’t do it!
Food is delicious. Eat that hamburguer you want. Or those fries. Just eat.
Please. Don’t starve yourself. Don’t starve to death.
People care bout u. Your family cares. I know someone else does too.
I do!! Even though i don’t know who you are. But i really understand you.
Just please, find yourself another way. And if you can’t, ask for help. But please,
discard that option.
🙂
Sorry sweety
Hey.
It looks to me that your line of work is making you overthink.
I have never been in the porn industry or anything like that, but one thing that is blatantly clear is you need to leave your feelings at the door for such a thing.
Your work seems to want to center around the very part of you that you hate, so of course it is going to make you feel uncomfortable, it’s the part you want to make dissappear and everyone wants to focus on it.
Please try something else, and please talk to a counselor too. I think it is really important that you find acceptance in yourself to a degree of just being comfortable with your body until you are capable of changing it.
Also food did not do anything to you, do not take it out on food. Eat the food. It wants to be eaten. And remember you are a boss *****, not a ***** baby.
You’ve come this far with your transition, go through to see the completion please
The mind can be pretty powerful and it can change your life, for the bad or the good, depending on how you choose to view your situation and the choices you make.
You can see your life issues as a problem or an opportunity. I don’t know about your status today but if you’re in a place where you can earn a high income, then it’d be a good idea to make as much as you can then you can retire in financial freedom and never have to be a wage-slave.
If you hate being in the field you’re in, then you’ll ofc need to switch to another career that you find fulfilling. However I know from being in my city, it’s highly competitive and all the good, cushy, well-paying jobs are taken. So if you can earn a lot in other ways it might be worth it.
As for being transgendered, it’s becoming more acceptable today than it was in the past. Perhaps you should save up for SRS and you’ll feel happier after the surgery though it is expensive and carries health risks.
Regarding starvation, it’s a bad way to go, since it can irreparably damage your body, esp. if you change your mind and decide to keep living. There are better, easier and faster ways to go but we can’t discuss methods here.
Sorry about the loss of your friends/family. Unfortunately that does happen due to the bigotry towards LGBT people. You could try making new friends in the community perhaps.