Truthfully I’ve tried many attempts all failed & failed without recognition from anyone, you know… to help me & say “ don’t do it, I love you “instead it felt like the universe was working against me and may I add overtime I mean it’s not like I would want to put my anyone through my selfish decision and leaving them to wonder where they went wrong or maybe I do so they could spend the rest of their lives on this earth feeling how I felt maybe they’ll join me in the afterlife and we can sit at the table down there if there is a hell and punish each other.
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One of my dearest friends hung herself in her spare closet about a year ago. No one had any idea she was planning it. Her wife came home and there she was, hung, dead. Dishes done, clothes washed, dried and put away. She left her house nice and clean for her wife, except of course for her corpse. That needed cleaning up.
She left on her own terms. Folks have issue with people leaving on their own terms. I did a lot of soul searching after she died. I absolutely adored her. She was the funniest most brilliant human being to walk the face of the earth. And kind? Oh was she kind. I couldn’t manage on my best day to achieve the kindness she was capable of on her worst day. And maybe that is why she did it. She was just too fucking kind for this world.
In the end it doesn’t matter, she isn’t here. We, her friends and family are left wondering if we could have done something. The answer is no. In the end when folks want to leave on their own terms they do so in such a way that no one knows. They just go and do it, on their own terms. Maybe she was just tired of the fuckfest that is the world right now. Maybe she needed a hard restart and was hoping to come back for another try.
In the end it doesn’t matter. She isn’t here and I am. So I keep walking forward and trying to be as kind as she was on her worst day, which was pretty fucking kind.