so a little overview i’m 27 year old gay British male.
I’ve already made up my mind to kill myself in the New year I wanted one more christmas you see I love Christmas.
I’m living with an as yet undiagnosed medical condition im in constant pain varying from annoying to agonisingly painful I also have brain damage the severity of which is yet to be worked out I have vacant episodes and i fall over a lot and completly lose sensation or control over my limbs and regularly mess myself .
I was also molested from a very early age by an older cousin who lived with us and raped regularly from aged nine till eighteen.
I’m living with my best friend and sexual partner of some years he was also molested and raped as a child now last year he had a breakdown over this and one night we got extremely drunk and came home we were snogging in the sofa and one thing led to another and I was preforming oral sex on him now i didnt realise at the time he had fallen asleep he woke up terrified thinking it was his father now this was over a year ago we talked it through the next day in detail agreed it was fine etc recently it has become an issue again and has resulted in him deciding i need to move out.
Here is where my problem comes into play i have to be out by december im not willing to move house the idea of everything thats involved well ive come to the realisation i’m not going to get my last christmas and i need to move my plan forward this creates a mulit pronged problem his nan has just died so do i do it before or after the funeral or do i present myself to an A&E department and explain my situation i know i cant be trusted to be left alone and that i will certainly kill myself if they allow me to leave im not interested in treatment for deppresion im interested in dying before my quality of life is reduced further but if i kill myself now thomas will beleive its entirely his fault and possibly follow me shortly afterwards.
I have sixty Hemlock seeds which i intend to ingest I have chosen these specifically because although the death will be fairly quick it will be extremely horrible which I deserve for hurting the man I love .