I’m just sick and tired of it all

I think I saw this site a long time ago when I was a suicidal teen, but now as I continue to be pushed further down a path of hopelessness, anhedonia, ever-increasing despair, loneliness/isolation, and abandonment I’m not sure where else is left to vent my thoughts.. I’m just a complete freak with no way of ever possibly becoming an actual person and I seem to be so terrible that everyone will always reach some threshold of caring until they basically give up on me. I feel like I’m just “damaged goods”, and that it’s impossible for me to ever be better.. I’m so unbelievably hurt from sexual trauma/rape that I’m not sure if my mind will ever be able to properly come back. I just want to be okay, but it doesn’t feel like I’ll ever be allowed that. I just wanted to be happy… I just wanted to live life without constant fear and anxiety.. I just wanted to feel comfortable with who I am.. I want to be good. I feel like such a terrible person, no matter what I do, I always end up being rotten to others. There’s no way a creature like me can actually be loved. I wouldn’t mind someone just showing me attention even if they just want to take advantage of someone weak in a vulnerable place. I just want to feel loved again.. I just want someone to tell me it’s going to be okay and hold me close.. I don’t know how to cope with being an adult very well.. I’m dysfunctional and to put it politely, quite broken.. I manage to have a job online, but I’m barely even hanging onto that… I don’t really leave the house more than once every other week and I’m often afraid to do so. I’ve ruined all my relationships, and the last person I could rely on wants nothing to do with me, and probably thinks quite lowly of me, which stings really badly.. It hurts being as much of a freak as I am. I wish I could be like other people, even just a little bit… I keep cutting, I can’t stop making more blood, it excites me to see it, but this too loses its intrigue quite quickly. I just want to remind myself that I need to be punished.. I’m bad, and ruined, there’s no hope left, nothing feels okay. I’m not okay… My dad just ignores my pain and basically doesn’t care at all when I mention being suicidal. That really hurts… No one would probably even care or notice at this point… I really want to desperately cling to living.. I don’t want my life to end so early, before I ever really had a chance to be happy, but I’m struggling to cope with the hopelessness of it all, I’ve been saved before, but now I’m all alone in my misery.. No one will save me now. I’m so sick sometimes just thinking about my disgusting corpse and all those sad hopes and dreams unfulfilled and reduced to a frozen girl’s lifeless body. I really don’t want to end things without ever having had a proper chance, but the pain is beginning to become unbearable.. I’m just so tired of struggling against mental illness and my own mind, and the fear and horrible feelings the trauma has created.. I’m too weak for this world… It’s not for broken freaks like me :c
Anyway, thanks for reading
night~