I’m so done. I literally cannot take it anymore.
In the years prior to 2020, I had been in a really good mental headspace. I’m generally extroverted, into sports, etc. I’ve always been a coastal girl, and I’ve always aspired to become a surfer (hence the username, I made it on the fly).
I’d like to say that things began to go downhill for me around 2017. Just behind the scenes.
My dad had been in the military for about 20 years, however, was able to immediately flock once he reached that 20 year mark. He got a new job which required that we move.
The beach was my home. I enjoyed every bit of it. The parts outside of town were a little bigger, but overall, it was a small coastal town. There was always perfect weather, always people to hang out with, everyone tended to be pretty inclusive, and there were tons of sports and other activities. You were never bored, there was always something to do, someone to meet up with, some event to go to, it was perfect for me. Being a person who cannot physically sit and do nothing for an entire day, I couldn’t have it any better.
During our move, because I was more optimistic, I initially didn’t mind. We moved to an extremely small town. There was already a lack of things to do. I moved just as elementary was wrapping up. Every time I go outside, it’s not like taking a walk on the beach, it’s repulsing. The overall vibe is just gross. The sky is always dark, it rains on average about 2 weeks a month. The entire town feels run-down. Everyone knows each other, but no one likes each other.
Things were pretty solid for a while. Then Coronavirus hit. Enough said.
There was already a lack of things to do, but having tight friends, we were always out and about. There were football games every Friday, some bigger cities around us, etc. I’d like to say I totally took it for granted.
For me, personally, Coronavirus didn’t start off too bad. Me and my friends were still able to hang out, even after school closed (taking precaution), due to the lack of restrictions at that time. Because of the struggle on everyone’s social. circle, a lot of my friends started to become closer to fight back. Even then, my decent mental health was slowly chipping away.
August 2nd was really the day my world came crashing down.
From the moment I moved to this hellhole, there has been one boy I have consistently been friends with. He is the first person I talked to. We were/are tight. I really liked him (and still do), but that’s not too relevant, as much as it seems like it is.
2 of my friends, 2 of which I had introduced to each other, had started a relationship. It came out of nowhere. It was like a massive, really painful five-star to the back, one that comes when you’re least expecting it. One that leaves a massive, red hand-print on your back for the following days.
They have since been together for going on 6 months, and it has shattered the group’s dynamic.
Best friends split. Third-wheeling. One of my friends who was overall very kind-natured and had her head screwed-on straight went nuts (due to the gross influence of said best friend’s girlfriend). There is always someone stirring the pot. There is always a victim. There is always a grudge being held.
And it’s impossible to escape.
Like I’ve mentioned before, I have to be doing something constantly. Hanging out with this group is the only thing I can do to get out of the house. Cutting myself off from one means I have to cut myself off from the other. Some days they’re all unbearable. The one thing that stayed consistent (which has fortunately went away to some degree) was the assumption that I was ALWAYS in the wrong. This didn’t help at all.
Since Coronavirus, everything in my life has become unenjoyable. There are no benefits to living. Sometimes, when I have chances to leave the house and do something, I’m reluctant. It has ruined my friendships and relationships. It has shattered my once (I’d like to think) good nature. The constant exposure to politics has made me hate politicians and wholeheartedly makes me never want to vote when the time comes. School has become harder, more stressful, and the system has gotten progressively more screwed up (I’m at least fortunate to be in-person). I don’t get enjoyment out of the little things in life like I used to. I don’t exercise often. I don’t eat often. I don’t enjoy the hobbies I used to have. I dread getting up to do little things. Being as minimalistic and tidy as I am, I cannot believe that I haven’t done my laundry in a month and still refuse to do it.
It has ruined my relationship with my parents. Being around them 24/7 is frustrating. My dad, a logical and understanding person, who almost never gets angry and prefers to be civil, has lost it with the amount of times that I’ve complained to them and had a full-on mental breakdown, before being fine for a day and having the same rinse-and-repeat cycle the next. They are now considering therapy, which I highly doubt will do anything. I don’t need a new perspective, I don’t think it’s possible to cope when there is nothing to do that will distract me or help me cope. The fact that it’s impossible to cope or separate myself from things like my friend group, or the lack of things to do, IS the problem.
I am just fortunate that I haven’t considered cutting. There have been a few times where I have thrown around the idea of suicide. Sitting on my roof, dangling my legs off the side (unlike me, I’m a cautious person), and wondering if the impact of the concrete below me would kill me or ultimately embarrass me and break my limbs. Thinking of whether it would benefit my family or not. Thinking of if my friends would care for more than a month tops. Thinking of how I would say goodbye to everyone, my finishing statement. How I would make my final day go out with a bang. Maybe donating all my hard-earned cash to charity. Wondering who would take care of my cat, and if she and my dog would miss my presence considering they’re just as attached to everyone else. Wondering if I’d regret it as I was jumping, like some people did. Asking myself if it’s worth it, even if I’m no longer suffering, because I’d end up becoming a statistic and a wimp, not achieving my long-term goals I’ve been so dead-set on.
I don’t think I’d ever kill myself, but I’m cornered and I don’t know what I’m going to do. There was a time-period where I had hope, but I don’t know if our country will ever get out of this depression, especially in it’s political-nature, and if I’ll ever get out of this depression. I have lost all faith, and there is no escape. Even if I do, I don’t think my personality will recover and I don’t know if people will look up to me or think the same of me as they once did prior.
Thank you.