Lmao I’m feeling this type of way tonight to come onto this site and checked my post history and I’ve been on this goddamn site for EIGHT YEARS now. Granted, it’s been on and off, but Jesus Christ. You’d think if I was going to, I would’ve done so by now. My first post is from when I was only 14 and now I’m recently turned 22. What a fucked up life.
It’s honestly hilarious when I look back on my old posts and read how broody, nihilistic I was. At least now I can laugh at my pain instead. I’m very grateful for this forum to exist without judgement. It’s always felt so much better to just get these thoughts off my chest and speak them aloud (well, written).
From the time I started this account at like 13-14 to now, I won’t lie. I’m very surprised I made it this far. I’m supposed to graduate with my bachelor’s degree this semester but with online classes being the literal worst method to teach someone like me online, especially someone who has always struggled with mathematics, god knows if I’ll actually graduate due to lack of motivation. This is probably the biggest factor why I’m on this site tonight.
Being seen as a failure is the worst thing that could happen to me. I have this perfectionist desire to amaze everyone with how flawlessly I handle juggling working, schooling, a social life (obviously stunted due to this pandemic but ygm), a boyfriend, and taking care of a father with cancer. I’m supposed to be seen as “The Little Engine That Could.” I got myself through middle school with the bullying, I got myself through high school with the eating disorder and the self-harm, I got myself nearly all the way through college with a rigorous course load and being sexually assaulted a year and a half ago. I’m supposed to be unstoppable. But right now I’d like to jump in front of a train instead of be the little engine who keeps on moving.
I still have wonderful family and many friends and a wonderful stable relationship with a great guy and arguably a bright future ahead of me (I even have a job interview tomorrow as well as a tattoo appointment) but I STILL feel the need to just kill myself and end the pain that I suffer. Like why lol. What is the purpose of my brain doing this to me. My antidepressants might’ve just said fuck it and decided to stop working, who knows.
I’ll probably cut tonight ( RIP my almost one year of being clean since the last time) to at least distract the thoughts of killing myself to superficial harm and I’ll prob take like 5 mg of klonopin and call it a night. I don’t think I even care that my boyfriend will see the cuts the next time I’m naked, I literally don’t give a fuck anymore about being perfect. I haven’t brushed my teeth in like four days so I’m obviously far from it right now.
Anyways, thanks for reading the ramble and I always appreciate a comment to know I’m not just screaming into the void. I b*tch a lot about my life but I like to hear others b*tch about theirs and provide support so just shoot me a DM (idk if Wordpress even does that tbh) or whatever, you can drop an alt email acc or something. I’d just like to talk to other individuals and see if I can be of any help. I consider myself a veteran of mental illness at this point with the multiple suicide attempts, hospitalizations, numerous psychiatrists and therapists and medications so I’m probably of some help I think.
3 comments
we seem to struggle in similar ways. you’re not alone, and you’re not screaming into a void. I hear you, and I’m listening.
Thank you. I definitely feel like I’m screaming into the void sometimes. It sucks to have an overall “seemingly perfect” life while on the inside you’re basically decaying. And the worst part is not being able to tell anyone close because it immediately becomes “well is she a suicidal threat” which is a situation I’ve encountered far too fucking often.
I can relate to that so much. I go to a good school, I have a loving family, etc etc… and the minute you tell someone they’re like “what the fuck do you have that you could possibly be depressed over”