I’m a soon to be 20 year old with the feeling life doesn’t care what I want to be or what I want to do, anything I put energy into falls apart and it seems like I’m not meant to be what I truly desire. I’ve tried to kill myself several times each one ending with me breaking down in tears wishing I didn’t even have to do it. It’s like I HAVE to do it but why? It’s because I’m not what I want to see or what I want to be, everything I love to do is everything I’m not good at. I can’t live on anything I love to do, they don’t provide me my meals. I don’t want to be a slave to the clock, but it feels like that’s what I’m gearing towards. I hate how cruel life is that I can’t even choose to end it on my own terms, i’m stuck in a shitty movie that I can’t pause or stop on my own will. I want to be an artist who can make impacts but who’s to say people even want to hear what I have to say? It almost feels pointless to make this post, I have to justify to myself that everybody feels the same way I do, but who the fuck actually does? It feels like people just say keep on going regardless what’s happening to you but I can’t do that anymore.
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3 comments
you don’t have to be good at something you love. it brings you joy, and that’s what’s most important. for example, a lot of people love to draw, but not everybody is good at it. that doesn’t change the fact that they love to do it. I understand the frustration of your passions not being viable sources of income. unfortunately, that’s how things are for many people. those who can make money doing what they love are the lucky few. I’m an artist myself (multiple mediums) and I hate to admit the accuracy there is to the “starving artist” stereotype. if people aren’t willing to listen to you, you fucking scream until they do. and the justification of your feelings isn’t inaccurate. so many people feel the way you do. I promise you, you are not alone.
That starving artist shit hurts my soul deep. I love what I wanna do so much i’d die before I submit. Knowing i’ll never be good at it is what takes the joy out of it, because it’s reflected in everything I do.
art is so subjective, though. I can almost guarantee you that you’re good at what you do, maybe not in the way you think, but again, art is very subjective.