I wish I had any friends left. It’s my fault. My marriage is so empty and painful and I’ve isolated myself from everyone else. I’m chronically ill and in this weird limbo where my illnesses keep me from being able to work very much and being eligible for disability which has been a huge pain in the ass applying for. I’m going to have to get a lawyer to fight for me and it’s going to take forever before I even know if I’ll get it or not. Who knows if it’ll even be enough to survive on. I barely exist at this point. Everything is so stressful and I’m a drain on the few people I’m close to.
I think a lot of non-depressed people assume that suicidal people WANT to die and at least in my case it’s a bit more complex than that. I want to live, or rather, I want to want to live. It’s just I’ve gotten to the point where living is so agonizing that death sometines feels like the only alternative to this constant suffering. I want to live but it’s so fucking hard and I’m sick of being a burden on the two people that actually care about me at all. I want to live but my illnesses make it almost impossible even on a good day.
Sorry for rambling everyone. I just needed to vent
2 comments
It’s good to vent, I’m sorry you’re in that situation, I’ve had friends that had to go through similar battles and it’s not easy, you will need all the support you can get, but on a good note, if/when you finally win the disability case they have to back pay from the time you first applied, the lawyer will take a good sum of that if you have one but that chunk of change can help you get set up to be more independent.
Good luck, and welcome
Just vent away, that’s a big reason for this site to exist. As it stands, yes, i remember long talks with an old member regarding that same point that you make: most (there’s always exceptions) suicidal people don’t really want to die, they just can’t cope with their current way of living. I do hope your disability case goes smoothly in the end.