This is just too much

Hi, I never thought I was going to write here, but it is since 4 or 5 years that when my Anxiety and panic attacks hit me, I tend to go to this website.

Knowing that there are other people that suffer like me, in some way, makes me less desperate. Maybe it is the ‘I am not alone’ stuff. But anyway.

I am an anxious person, I did enough therapy to get to that. But what people do not really understand is what it feels like to live with this anxiety. People say that you should enjoy what life brought to me, but it is like a dark room where I enter and it is really hard to get out.

I have a pattern of taking too many responsibilities at every job I do, then sub-consciously not do certain tasks, or doing them half assed. Then feeling responsible, as the one and only person that could have avoided the problem.

Then panic attacks ensues and I only can think about dying.

I know, there are people that are not lucky like me. I do not have physical illness or experienced grief, but that does not matter. The panic scenarios will play over and over in my head for weeks, taking up every waking moment. If I try to talk with someone, it is not possible for me to explain, and, I guess, for them to understand.

I just imagine my life getting ruined, and people around me disappointed and pissed.

It is weird, how many times I think that would be easier to be just dead.

I am in my 40s, and when somebody tells me ‘this or that person’ died, a part of me is just wishing that it was me.

I do not think I would ever be able to kill myself, it seems such difficult possibility, plus I would leave people in financial problems.

I just wish when I go to sleep that I will not wake up anymore.

And the most depressing part of it, is probably the fact that if I survive this crisis, this one, it is a matter of time until a new one will come. I do not even want to bother telling my wife about how I feel, because it is just something that has happen and will happen over and over again.