I used to be a good religious kid. Never abused. I said my prayers, went to church, helped other people and was so full of love. I served a mission for church and suffered a major bout of depression.
I went into the military serving two tours in Iraq as a combat medic. I lost friends while there. I come home met the woman of my dreams and her two kids that I loved. She turns around and stabs me in the back. She broke my heart with her lies so badly. I put a gun in my mouth and contemplated pulling that trigger. The only thing that stopped was the thought of my mom to if had killed myself.
I am now middle aged man with uncontrolled pain, MDD, PTSD. I married another wonderful woman and have three kids. She has stuck with me so far. I spent my 40th birthday in a psych ward because of suicidal ideations. 2 years later, I find myself back where I was. Cursing God and wanting to die. I have no emotion when my kids cuddle with me or want to play with me.
I feel that I am a burden on my family and that they would be better without me. I lost my career as an ICU nurse because of a back injury. I used to enjoy being active, running, biking, hiking and so on. Now I can’t.
I know God hates me. All I can think about is ending it. I hate myself and I wish that I had never been created. I wish that I had killed myself by pulling that trigger years ago. Then my wife wouldn’t have to deal with me and suffer because of me.
Death is now the only way that I see any of these things going away. My kids are now the same age of the kids that I fell in love with that were ripped out of my life. I can’t stop thinking of them and the memories of what had happened 12 years ago. I tried to move on and these thoughts keep coming back. I tried to live the best life that I could by thinking of others and caring for them.
I have nothing left of me to give. I don’t sleep anymore. I just curse God and beg him for death, which falls on deaf ears like they did when I loved HIM. I am tired of living. I am tired of just surviving. Death seems like the only escape.
4 comments
Im sorry you are going thru all this because I am going thru a similar life. I won’t curse God but I want to go home to heaven and ask God for some answers that I will never get in this hell. I know life is short compared to eternity but I have not been given the ability to grasp that and this life is pure hell and I have no good feelings inside anymore. Im sure I have PTSD again. I just want to die myself and be done with this hell. I also feel I have outlived my usefulness here in hell. I do curse the day I was born and wish my life and memory would just be wiped clean from this evil f*#king world.
The trauma of your previous kids being taken away is what’s blocking your ability to feel anything for your current children, it seems. I highly recommend doing EMDR for your PTSD (all cases of it, from what I understand there’s more than one event that’s been traumatic). And considering that tours are more of a long-term trauma, that would be considered complex ptsd. I really think seeking professional help (not a psych ward, I’m talking about a group therapy of your choice or seeing a specific 1-on-1 therapist) could be in your best interest.
Dear Mopheus, you’ve got such a wonderful heart! Rarely have I heard of someone as brave as you. One must be extremely courageous to serve as a combat medic in Iraq. Think of all the lives you’ve saved, wow… You’ve done more than necessary and you deserve to be taken care of. I couldn’t have done all that.
I’m sad for you, but please remember that now you have a family that loves you. They wouldn’t be better off without you, on the contrary. I recommend you to read the book of Job and James 1. You were born to love and the love in you is not gone: it’s just sleeping and needs to be awakened. Please stay safe. I wish you well.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with all this. I understand the feeling of a “god” not hearing you all too well. There is no greater myth than that of a caring god. Why we insist on believing in one escapes logic. I don’t have any magic words that will bear much meaning, sir. I’m pushing 60 and having issues myself. The lack of sleep and inability to be active have got to be difficult for you. I will only say my heart goes out to you, I understand SOME of your frustration.