I’ve been coming back to this site for the past couple days, reading everyone’s stories and methods. I found a way to exit that I feel most comfortable with and am in the process of gathering the materials. Before I move forward I want to first share my story. Not necessarily for others to read but more so to just finally let out all I’ve been holding in: I thought I was meant to live. I thought I was supposed to one day share my story and be a light for others in the darkness of depression. I thought I was meant to be here. But recently, I realized I was wrong. I can genuinely see things being better for everyone without me here. I’ll start from the beginning. In 4th grade, I found a dead body of a man that committed suicide. He shot himself. The confusing part is I saw him earlier that day and spoke with him, he seemed so happy. A therapist later told me it’s common for people to be on a high before they commit suicide because they finally know what to do with their pain. Because I saw him earlier that day, I held a lot of guilt in my heart from thoughts about having the power to stop him. The following year, my brother who was only a year older than me (and was my best friend) committed suicide because he got bullied in every school we moved to. This is when my depression and anxiety started. It only got worse over the years but at a point, I started healing my pain and getting better. 11 years later, I’m 22, and my little brother who was only 18 got stabbed to death and I’m back at a place where I genuinely don’t want to live my life anymore. On top of grieving the 2 most amazing people in my life, I struggle with a lot of insecurities. I genuinely hate myself and overall feel like I’m living in a world I don’t belong in. It feels like I’m meant to end it all. I have a 2 year old son. He’s been my reason for staying here. But I feel everything slipping. I feel disconnected. I feel like he’ll be better off without me here. I plan on arranging everything beforehand. I have a set plan and I’m ready to execute. I don’t feel comfortable opening up to the people in my life about my plan but it does feel nice being able to type it all out and send it off into the ether. I wish you all the best and hope that for those meant to stay, you will find the will and strength to do so. As I get to the end of writing this post, a small part of me wishes someone will reach out. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t desperate to just be happy again and am hoping maybe a stranger on the Internet can convince me there’s more for me. I hear kids playing outside my window in my apartment complex. They sound happy. I wish I could go back in time with my brothers when we were happy. I don’t know how to get myself out of the sadness anymore. I don’t know if I’m saying my final goodbyes or desperately asking for help. I’m confused. Life is confusing.
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There really is nothing I can say to help you feel better except that I know the Kind of pain you feel right now. I stuck it out over the years actually for my son. His mother is bipolar and she was chronically suicidal so although I have severe depression I had to hold on for my son. He is now bipolar like his mother and suicidal but at least he is in alcohol treatment now and getting better. My son is a mess but I believe he would be in a far bigger mess had I succeeded years ago. Probably even now because I have my days still when I want to end it all.
I’m not going to give you bullshit and tell you that suicide is “selfish” and you’ll “upset the people around you” because this isn’t about that. That’s a huge mistake people make when discussing suicide with someone who’s contemplating. You don’t need to live for other people, you don’t need to suffer for other people, but you need to heal for yourself. You have undergone significant, un-forgettable, brain-altering trauma. Your brain has literally been rewired because of the things you’ve gone through. You cannot unsee a dead man, you cannot forget that you’ve lost those dear to you. I can almost taste the pain as I read your words. It’s a taste that’s all too familiar.
Now, granted, you’re probably (99% sure) older than me (I’m 17), but that’s not to say I haven’t been handed a shitty assortment of cards. I’m going to provide a couple (obvious) suggestions as to what is an option for you. You don’t have to do these things, I’m just going to throw them out there. I’m sure you’ve heard this one before; therapy (if you have the financial means, of course). I’ve been going to therapy since I was 10, and if I hadn’t started doing that so early I’d likely not be writing this right now. So, besides the obvious “hey, maybe a therapist can help”, I can personally say that group therapy and outpatient treatment made a huge difference in my healing process. Outpatient is how I got sober (can’t reverse the damage I’ve done to my sinuses and liver, unfortunately) and how I began doing the really ugly, difficult work (aka processing my trauma instead of avoiding it). Best choice I’ve ever made was to go to outpatient. If you just need a break from everything, I’d advise checking yourself into a psych ward. The psych ward is where you go when you’re not ready for real treatment (they don’t treat you, they just keep you in a safe environment and take care of you) and just need to be in a place where you can’t hurt yourself. It’s a good way to detox (not off of drugs, they give you a lot of those if you really need them), I wish the best for you, and I hope you find an alternative to a permanent departure.