on birthdays, reciprocity, and dying alone

I feel like no one appreciates or understands me. I’m an extremely loyal person, and stick with my friends long past when I should because I hate conflict and I don’t want to be a burden. I try to show my appreciation for them through listening intently to their problems, buying them gifts, complimenting them, etc. None of them have reciprocated, and most of them have left. I don’t understand why, or what I might have done to push them away.

My best friend never reciprocates. I drive her wherever she wants, plan activities and get all the supplies for us, think of thoughtful gifts to get her for her birthday and Christmas and just in general, write her heartfelt letters, and listen and empathize with her problems. I’ve done this for years, and she has never reciprocated to the same degree. She has never gotten me a gift or remembered an important event for me, driven me anywhere or let me have things my way if we disagreed on something. On my birthday this past year, she didn’t even remember to wish me happy birthday and instead spent the whole time talking about herself and how she couldn’t believe her birthday was in a couple weeks. Most of her other friends have left her and it feels like she still doesn’t appreciate all my loyalty and effort- last time we hung out, she complained to me about how she doesn’t have any REAL friends. She doesn’t listen to me when I tell her about all the times I’ve been rejected and how all I’ve wanted for the past several years is to find a boyfriend, and she uses the fact that she’s a pretty, outgoing girl to basically best me in any situation. How could I, a gay trans man, compete? For instance, the single time in my life that someone I was interested in showed any semblance of interest back, she made out with him in front of me and fucked him at a party that I provided all the alcohol for, then proceeded to yell at me when I broke my arm after I punched a brick wall out of anger. Come to think of it, she always yells at me when I make more than a weak protest about getting what I want once in a while. None of my other friends have stood up for me, and they’ve all gone anyways. I’m too much of a coward to tell her how much I hate her behavior, so I just sit with it.

My birthday this year is going to be a lonely affair. Every year since I was about 10 I’ve wanted to come home to a surprise gathering but today I found myself sobbing over the thought that anyone in my life would care that much. It would be amazing if I could find just one friend who would plan a small event for me or buy me a present, but at this point I feel like a burden for asking for the smallest things.