i’m writing a paper and i just realized i’d rather be dead than doing this. i’ve written just over a page in twelve hours bc i can’t concentrate and it’s such a stupid reason to want to die?? bc i can’t focus and get distracted like a fucking squirrel or something? and now instead of writing my paper i’m putting all this time and effort into making this account and venting to no one bc i don’t know how to tell my mom that i want to die so fucking bad bc i can’t write this paper that i’ve been procrastinating for a week bc i barely have the energy to exist and it’s officially due today bc it’s one in the morning and i want to fucking scream and take my pills but i can’t even do that bc they’re locked up so i don’t make stupid rash decisions like this. i’m so scared of telling my mom all of this bc she doesn’t deserve to be burdened and we legit just decided to go to Universal this dec. and like, don’t harsh the fun, you know? she works so hard and doesn’t deserve any of what i put her through and i feel so bad bc me brain doesn’t work and she and my sister have to deal with the consequences. i’m twenty years old and i’m so fucking tired and my brain isn’t working like it should and fuck, i wish they would just diagnose me with ADHD like we all know i have it?? but they’re afraid my anxiety and depression might be causing the symptoms that act like ADHD and fuck, adderall would probably help me but i can’t take it bc they won’t diagnose me and i’m so fucking tired. and i’m probably going to nothing about all of this and just stay up until four working on the paper then crash and wake up and finish it and then cry and watch some youtube like what usually happens, it’s just usually not this bad and i hate everything. i almost want to go back to inpatient even though it was horrible just because i can’t fucking handle any of this holy shit and now i’m crying. so. there’s that. inpatient was scary adn i felt like it didn’t do anything but i don’t know what else to do bc i think i’ve just tricked myself into thinking my meds work bc what else can explain this mental breakdown and i feel like i’m losing my mind and i really need to tell my mom.
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i relate to a lot of this – i dropped out of college because all of the little assignments/expectations were so overwhelming, and my foster parent took me off her insurance the moment the checks stopped coming in so i didn’t have any meds when i went off to school.
the point of a diagnosis is to get you access to help, not to accurately label you or decree some final, perfect evaluation. it’s common for a diagnosis to change as your needs change and as your doctor’s understand you better. comorbidity is also super common with those guys – it’s very likely that a neurodivergency like ADHD is contributing *to* your anxiety and depression. i think that if you’d be able to reassure your people that an evaluation isn’t a permanent sentence, and is simply a means to accessing better care, then they might allow it?
if you haven’t already, talking to your school’s disability support should help. your school is legally required to provide accomodations to anyone with a diagnosis, and *yes* more “mainstream” mental illnesses like depression and anxiety count under that umbrella.
have you tried using caffeine as a focus tool? it has been cited as a help in calming down the buzzing, overbusy brain by multiple people i know with adhd. my little sister has ADHD and she used to be on a heavy dose of ritalin, but now she opts to some weed instead and claims it’s more effective for her, so that could also help if you have the access.
depending on what you’re on, it’s really common for your body to start building a tolerance to your meds. if they are less affective than usual you may benefit from increasing the dose and seeing if it helps?
if your mom is your current and trusted carer, it’s important to communicate your issues and needs with her. if saying it to her is too overwhelming, typing something out for her or copy-pasting things you’ve already written about the situation and sending it to her could also help.