Today is a mix

Today has been fucking with my head, majorly. I woke up this morning with the following idea:

I think suicide is the greatest gift you can give to yourself, and here’s why: Have anxiety? Nonexistent once you’re gone. Worried about how those around you will feel? Doesn’t matter because you’re already dead and nothing they say or do can hurt you. Fear of persecution? What are they gonna do? You’re dead, they can’t touch you.

I feel like suicide is basically giving yourself permission to stop caring about anything but yourself. It’s the greatest form of self love, because you’re finally taking the time and putting yourself first.

I’ve never been happier than I am now that I’ve made the decision. I have everything planned out and it has taken such a weight off of my shoulders. I am so much more care free, nothing bothers me because I’ve taken away its ability to bother me.

But on a different note, as I sit here and type out what I wrote just hours earlier, I feel like absolute shit. I continually hate myself and my life, more and more as time goes on. I’ve just turned in a final for one of my classes and that should make me feel at ease. Instead, all I feel is utter, undeniable pain and hatred for myself. I’m never going to stop wanting to die.

I had a dream once that I tried and failed to commit. I woke up in the hospital with all of my loved ones around me, asking why. They tried to make me promise to never make another attempt, but I couldn’t make that promise. Instead, I told them that as soon as I was released from the hospital, I would try again and again and again, until I was successful.

Then I woke up. And I’ve had the same few thoughts running through my head.  If this is even entering my dreams, than it must mean I’ve made the right decision, right?

And if it is the right decision, then how come I still feel like shit? It’s like one minute, this makes me feel like I’m on top of the world. Then the next it’s like everything else in my life, not making me feel anything. God, I wish this was all just over and done with.

But no. I can’t do it, not yet. I have a few loose ends that I have to tie off. But next year? I’m gone.