Glow stick

My family always called me a glow stick because I shine to them with my fake smile, I don’t need your pity when my life sucks ass? and I’m in love with a Taurus male. It’s important I’ve known him for so long and we both love each other in a romantic relationship way. So we are kinda just really close friends. My friends probably know who this is already I know too. But what do they really know about me? I don’t even know myself or who I am.. all I know is for a fact I love him, he loves me. It’s started with sitting at our local church that not one of us ever gone to. The spiders and spirits in there all have really bad energy. You can sometimes see things in there, the voices get louder when I’m by it. But watching the sunset while holding hands sounds so perfect. Perfect.. what is it? Him. Him and I. But once on the stairs on that church while I was sitting there, alone, at 8:32 p.m I wanted to end it. I wanted to leave everything, everyone. And if I did jump off those stairs that day everyone would know my name, everything would be sour. The sour feelings where it stays with you till you perish, till you drop dead. That exact feeling where you would start gagging to throwing up just thinking about it. It’s scary but so are the people that made me do it. Those mean people that made me have PTSD, start cutting, start feeling anxious, and starting to cry myself asleep, everything went wrong, and everything felt wrong. It’s not my fault right??? But what if I’m just faking it like everyone says? What if my grandpa doesn’t really touch me for his pleasure with my consent-less eyes. What if the very deep bloody scars on my arms and face are fake? What if I wasn’t in love? Who’s fault is it? It’s not mine. Right? It can’t be or the times I wanted to end it, all of my previous 9 attempts, were fake? It doesn’t make sense, the world is very overwhelming and awkward. But like always. Like a glow stick. I snapped and pored out everything, all my feelings left. But I’m still glowing with my truly amazing smile, is it fake this time?