It’s imminent now. I will use emergency chemical measures to stay another 6 months. After that it’s only a matter of time. I have dual noble gas and ingestion means for a peaceful exit. In the unlikely event that fails, I’m looking at a shotgun slug in a sawed off when (presumably) released from institution and I’ll be making a big mess of myself. All I ever wanted was a family and some love, something even the lowest forms of human life receive. Instead, I received nothing but a life of endless work, loneliness, pain and humiliation in zombieland while I constantly work to better myself and live a life of kindness and understanding to the best of my abilities while being treated like garbage.
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Every moment is incredibly difficult when you don’t feel loved. Especially if you have never felt love because it makes you feel like you are the problem.
I am sorry you are feeling so low. It fucking sucks.
You’ll be gone in December? I made up my mind that I’ll do it with an exit bag. I saw a livestreamed shotgun suicide and its not how I want to go. The next step is setting a concrete date. Based on how I’m doing its looking close. Do you want to elaborate on your pain?
I can’t tell you or totally convince you to stay in this world because I don’t even know you but what I can say is live this life to the fullest until you really do decide to die. If its a couple more months get into some extreme lifelong debt. Do some things you always wanted to do or really fun shit with that money and if you are treating yourself with as much care as you are with killing yourself than you deserve to at least live blissfully until you decide to pass on on your own terms. Please don’t just sit there and watch as the calendar counts down with your suicide props handy go out really having lived in this “zombieland” and fuck anyone who will try to treat you like shit just walk through them and let them fade into obscurity because your final days should be about celebration.