When I was little, I really didn’t care what anyone else thought of me. I had little to no interest in making friends, but I was pretty happy. Then around middle school, my parents and teachers basically decided that me being alone so much was not OK. They started telling me over and over that I had to do more social activities, and that I really had to start caring what other kids thought, and become interested in what they were interested in. I did end up learning some social skills and making a few friends. But I also started to believe that I was fundamentally deficient, and that the only way I would ever be accepted was to basically become someone else. I became extremely self-conscious and constantly worried that I was doing or saying something wrong, or not doing something that I needed to do in order to avoid being rejected. All of those feelings have stayed with me ever since, at least to some degree.
And yet, were they that wrong? Unless you’re a young child, an elderly retired person, or someone living off the grid, it seems that an attitude of “I don’t care what anyone thinks of me” doesn’t really work in the real world. If you want to find a job, or love anyone, or get along with your family, it seems like you have to impress people and be very concerned about what they think of you. And for me, that generally feels like constantly walking on eggshells.
3 comments
I feel it’s better to adopt an IDGAF attitude, the right people with stay, push yourself treat people right, make them laugh, be considerate, be kind but build confidence by working on self improvement not external validation or acceptance though I understand how those things can have a strong pull.
Words can’t describe how closely I relate to your situation. Despite some small differences, I feel like my life has been a very similar course. When I was young, I didn’t care at all what people thought. I was me. I was happy. Part of this had to do with my mother. She always made me feel special. She told me that she’d love me no matter what. I am super grateful for her in that regard but it intern made me overconfident. For me, middle school was when I really went out of my way to show everyone how little I cared if they cared. Needless to say, I made few friends and a lot of enemies. I was, “The annoying kid.” And in a small town that notion spread to my entire grade, if not further. As I got older and learned more of who I was I eventually realized that truly, I was a very social person, but it was too late. I built up a reputation as the kid who no one likes and spent my 4 years of high school digging myself out of the grave I had thrown myself in. In what I tend to call a defense mechanism, I completely overcorrected into what I am today. I lost all sense of identity and personality. My self-worth went from over the top to nothing at all. I defined my very being off of what type of person that [Insert person I held at high standard here] would want to be aroundd. I began apologizing to everyone for everything that happened (whether it was my fault or not). I told myself, “Everyone would like me more if I would just shut my mouth!” I became the me that everyone always wanted me to be… Nothing
And even though because of it I’m here on The Suicide Project with you all today, I can’t say I would take it back. I miss loving myself, but was I really happy, or was that what I told myself? How far could I have really gotten with that mentality? I know some people live their whole life with a self-inflated ego but I feel I’m too aware and nihilistic to ever regain mine.
Seeing your post reminded me that I’m not alone in my situation, and I hope that if you see this you might feel that same way. Even if it’s not exactly the same scenario.
Thank you for sharing. I don’t think I agree with you here, though. I think I’d rather be what I was as a kid — a super awkward guy who basically ignores everyone but still likes myself — as opposed to really disliking myself and frequently wishing I was dead and still being a little awkward. Not that that matters, because “taking it back” is not actually possible. And then there’s the question of how far I could have gotten with that earlier mentality, which is a good one.