Fear of Failing

The last time I attempted suicide, I almost succeeded. I felt it. I had a few moments of actual peace for the first time in several decades. The deep sadness that had been lodged in the back of my throat, that choked constantly choked me was gone The pain was finally gone. I can’t really describe just how those few moments were so monumental to me.

But some family members found me and “saved me.” I was in and out of conciousness while they drove to the hospital. However, I clearly remember repeatedly begging them to let me die. They obviously didn’t listen.

That failed attempt changed me in some ways. I was angry with those who stopped me. I still feel resentment toward them. I also felt immense grief at losing that moment of peace. For that very reason I’m scared to attempt again. I don’t want to feel that peace again and have it taken from me a second time. It destroyed something in me the last time. I don’t know what a second time would do. I still grieve that loss to this day. I want to die, but the fear of failing has paralyzed me.