I used to wish for a lot of things. A dad, a home, friends, a safe place to go when I’m scared. I used to wish for so much, but looking back, I haven’t wished for anything aside from death. I miss the desire I had to make wishes. But nothing works. People say to talk to someone for help, someone to talk to about all of this. But the truth is, I don’t have anyone. Any person I could talk to about this wouldn’t understand. They wouldn’t understand that outside of maybe two people, I have nobody to live for. Nothing in this world that makes me happy for longer than an hour. And fleeting hours of happiness isn’t enough to live for.
I used to wish that I lived in a world of magic and wonder, like I read about in the books I collect. Maybe that’s where I’ll go when this is all over. Or maybe I won’t go anywhere. Maybe this is the end of my story.
What is this anyway? What is this life, but a never ending cycle of highs and lows, with the lows vastly outweighing the highs. I miss the drive I had for life. I miss the girl I used to be. The girl who saw magic in the stars and saw fairies in the trees. Where is that girl? She doesn’t exist anymore. She was snuffed out by a world that only allows for wonder in a few places. I haven’t been happy for so long. I miss being happy.
I miss the days where I could go outside and make a wish on a star. I miss the love I had for the world.
But that’s gone now and try as I might, I can’t find it. I thought going to school and learning how I could help people would do it, but it hasn’t. I thought going to my family would help, but any time I come close to talking about it, I’m told that I have no reason to feel this way. My life seems perfect, but in reality I have nothing. My mom is just now starting to live her life again and she doesn’t need to be burdened with my problems. My grandparents don’t see a reason for me to be depressed, because they lived through worst and came out the other side unscathed. My brother and sister are busy with their own lives. The one person I had turned her back on me over a year ago and I swore I wouldn’t give her the power to hurt me again. My roommates will forget about me after graduation.
And honestly, the only reason I’m on here is so that I can put my words out into the world with the hope that maybe they will impact someone else.
My time in the world may have been short, but what I’ve seen is enough. I’m tired. I’m ready to get out of here.
Please, if you’re going to try and convince me that I have something to live for, don’t. I’ve had my share of it. And while I appreciate the sentiment, there’s probably someone who would benefit better from your efforts.
4 comments
It all sounds so familiar, and unlike you, it took me decades to get there. Sure, there was always something at the fringes of my consciousness nagging me. I knew whatever it was would lead me somewhere I’d never come back from, so I piled on the distractions until they grew stale and empty, like much of my life is now. The truth is exactly as you said. Moments of wonder and glimpses of happiness, fleeting and precious, fragile and rare. I actually met one other person who sees this at my new job, and it caused me to tear up a bit, both because he was much younger than I, and because he was a guy, like me. I know that depression doesn’t discriminate by gender or afflict one much more than the other, but depression does involve a degree of emotional awareness and intelligence that I’ve found lacking in most of the men I’ve encountered.
So what do you say to someone who has found out what the depths of existence reveal? I’m sorry? That seems rather trite and unnecessary. Sympathy does not soothe, as you well know. I’ve been there (am there)? Again, why share something so sad with someone who suffers? They say misery loves company, but I’d say that it is cold comfort at best. To share suffering with another, as I did with my coworker, was an unexpected uplift to my day, but how do we turn that into something that moves us forward, helps us find purpose, or imparts the meaning we so desperately crave? No, there is nothing I can say or offer to spare you the unique hell you are experiencing. In learning to live with mine, I can only say that it took losing nearly everything apart from my life to find the strength to once again actively engage the world in a way I could respect, and that I never expected to find such strength after everything I had put myself through. I don’t think such extreme measures are necessary for everyone, but then again, I had so much weighing on me, and each day I would pile a bit more on, hoping that the weight of my self-loathing would eventually spur me to rid myself of the source. In a sense, it was like meditation, but far more aggressive in the rejection of selfhood.
I suppose what I can offer you is gratitude. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us, for enduring long enough to write down what you are going through, and for seeing things with such clarity. Being able to do this is quite rare and, despite it not providing any traditional benefits, valuable.
Take care.
Remind me of the old days when we were children. Didn’t know these things, didn’t know stress. Dreams, I’ve had too. But now the dreams I have at night comfort me so much I actually hate waking up just to realize I’m still here. The daydreams are worse, cuz they never come true. I daydream of a death that looks like an accident, so nobody may ever know how much I craved to leave. A death that gives a smooth leave, so that I can keep my secret. Keeping on in everydays had became so monotone, happiness, sadness, anger, all those feelings blended, all I see is gray. But if its all gray, I can see what I want in it. It’s kinda crazy, but you gotta do what you gotta do. Hell, I’ve even tried asking for help, that was more useless than I myself sometimes. It feels odd to “better off alone” but I hate being around people. It literally stresses me out being around human beings. I’m not cut out for this world. Yet, i cant leave, I promised. So, keep on going the best I can. If I can get some motivation, that’s all absent nowadays. Even if I go to hell, it cant be worse than this. At least no masquerade. Oh, I hate this masquerade to hell and back, yet I keep pulling it, otherwise I keep getting these odd questions, and even if I try explain it to my best, they would never get it. Well, its f*cked up anyways. Well… keep on going, nothing to lose.
Take care.
Yeah, it’s hilarious to me that I was fake my whole life and was pretty happy most of the time, but now that I’ve experience the truth and the authenticity that accompanies it, faking it is positively repugnant. Still, if you’re good at faking at any point in your life, then eventually you manage to fall into some regular patterns that take your mind off of how much you hate the system you participate in and perpetuate, and your own complicity. I’ve just decided that I won’t expect miracles anymore. Things could get a heck of a lot worse before they get better, so I’ll just appreciate each day for what it offers, and do what I can to not contribute to the problems that already exist, or create any new ones. Isolation works best for this, and I’m fine on my own. Whatever comes to pass, all I want is to see it clearly and address it honestly. How I feel about it all is irrelevant, and will likely change as my perspective broadens. At least I’ve started dreaming again when I sleep. For quite some time, I was so dead inside that I didn’t dream at all, which was even more depressing because my dreams used to be brief escapes from the dull repetitiveness I was trapped in for years. Anyway, I’m starting to feel like I’m rambling, so I’ll end it here. Time to distract myself until bedtime…
if i tell You i understand… would You count me as ‘someone You have’ whom You could talk to about all this?
: (
i know You said You don’t want someone to try to convince You that You have something to live for… You have my word, i won’t do that
i’m only hoping we could talk more about the questions You asked & their possible answers…
“what is this life?”
“where is that girl?”…
maybe it leads to no where, & You wouldn’t have lost a single thing by us talking
& maybe
just maybe
somewhere along the way of us talking
You yourself would come to see that You do have something to live for…
i hope we could talk kind soul