i never really understood what its like to feel depressed or be diagnosed with depression. Im not diagnosed with it but i- i feel like i am but no one really believes me they just think im sad and that life will be fine again but no. I felt this pain and hurt and emptiness in me for 2 years and subconciously ive been struggling to cope with this and somehow everyday its getting worse. Sometimes i’ll feel better and i’ll think im fine but then it comes back and i start to break down and feel so not motivated to live anymore. Its like there’s this voice in my head that keeps prompting me to kill myself and end everything but i dont want to. And im so scared its gonna take over my whole self and just make me do things i dont want to do. I met a boy recently and we’re dating and hes the first guy that is willing to do anything to help me. Like this week is his exam period but he still takes the time to listen to me and be there for me when i literally have nobody. I just hope that everyone will keep on pushing and trying to fight this negative thing thats trying to ruin us and make us miserable. i love u all pure souls <3
-b
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always appreciate someone early in the process with hope, god I miss hope. It’s being alive yet dead now for me. I wake up and immerse myself, between my books, my hobbies, my frantic search for solutions…. by the time I start to feel useless, I’ve done enough to make it through the night again.
Which is where I am now, waiting through the night. Halfway through the dark.
You know how they say it’s always darkest before the dawn? Well I say it keeps getting darker, that if you have ever considered yourself neurotypical it gets darker than you can even imagine. Most people dust off before it gets as dark as I’ve seen.
You can run, and you can hide, but there’s no getting away from yourself. The best I have is to sit with my dead self, saying; “Alright, as dead as we can manage for now, what next boss?”
Another cup of coffee, another book, another game to dull my senses, maybe some good drugs. It’s liberating being nothing, wanting to be nothing, existing in a total void of expectations.
Are you living my life? All I do is read to occupy my mind to the point of exhaustion. I used to have hope too, but that us long gone. The reason it feels like it gets better then worse is because it is a never ending roller coaster at the crazy fair and the ride is held together with duct tape. Just waiting your turn to fall off. I tell myself that too that it gets worse before it gets better, but lately the worse just keeps getting worse. Then when people say someone else has it worse than you i think” well there is someone out there on the bottom of the totem pole, and that is me.” I know all that positivity junk like the back of my hand and it still means nothing. I am just wallowing at this point and playing my part when I need to waiting from my ride to end.