How do I explain to someone that I just don’t want to live? I’m not actively suicidal, I’m not going to intentionally kill myself. But I get a little mad inside when I hear about accidents that happen, illnesses and disasters where someone who didn’t want to die is dead and I’m sitting over here going, “Pick me, pick me, I want to not live”. It feels so unfair. I just don’t want to live anymore; I want to be done. I’m tired. Tired of pain, tired of struggling all of the time, the kind of tired that rest & sleep won’t ever fix. I get so sick of being told I should be grateful for what I have. I am grateful for what I have. I just don’t want to do life anymore. I raised 3 children, all are grown and gone. Why can’t I be done now?
Why isn’t it ok to just be done with life?
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3 comments
I totally get this.
I feel the same. I felt envy when my father-in-law was dying in hospital. My son is grown and gone, doesn’t need me. My husband needs me but he’s so lazy and selfish, f*ck him. I have MS but it won’t kill me. I used to want to drink myself to death but it’s harder than it looks 🙂 I find comfort in faith but still I pray for death most days. I’m so tired, I just want to stop even if there’s no spiritual home and it’s just an end, I want this to stop.
I envy people dying where they are not remotely the cause, that’s the gold standard of death.
I personally am not… recommended to die by my own inclination. I have a wife, who despite my emptiness I still care about, and her sibling is also struggling with being suicidal. If I go, countless others go with me. Domino effect, and some of those other dominos are as close to important as people get.
I think our species is nearly ready to implode though. Death gets cheaper and easier to access by the day. Perhaps next it will be you, or me. Small hope, but we all have an expiration date.