Psychopathic abuse

After spending 23 years with a psychopathic husband, I thought I’d feel better quickly once I was no longer living with him – wrong.  Apparently, I was in denial as to the extent of the abuse since he stopped physically abusing me years ago – and ramped up the psychological, emotional, sadistic, covert abuse to an 11!  He also used the abuse from my childhood to manipulate my emotions and control me.  It finally ended almost 9 months ago and I have been in extensive therapy for trauma – something I had no idea I’d be dealing with as the result of leaving him. I wanted to die when I was with him.  I told him I didn’t want to wake up anymore and that I had written letters to people for him to deliver if I was gone.  He asked me “what did you do with the letters” – not one shit was given!  Years of mentally being torn down – only to have him say to me “I know I broke you” – what kind of a nut says that!!!  His covert abuse confirmed everything I was told during my childhood – no one wants me, no one loves me, I am a burden, I’m unloveable, I’m stupid, I’m less than, etc.  I believe my husband was waiting around for me to off myself since he did nothing to help the situation – and even left on a trip the next morning (leaving me alone with guns and ammo).  Still, when I explained that I felt he did not love me and treated me as such, he’d deny it and say he didn’t know why I’d say that – making me feel crazy.  I have made it almost 9 months, but I question whether it’s even worth it.  I didn’t kill myself before because I felt my husband would be happy (for a number of reasons).  I finally see the level of mental illness he suffers and how abusive he is. I have focused on healing, but still feel like I’m never going to be close to being the person I was before I met him.  I wasted so much time and opportunity on a loveless hologram.  I will never have children, have little family and friends left, no career any longer, no income, no self worth or confidence, and I have no one besides counselors to talk about this with since it is difficult to understand how much damage these sick freaks can do. I will be facing divorce soon – don’t know if I can handle it – not because I miss or love him (never knew him since I’ve been living a lie), it’s the trauma that’s killing me.  I am starting to think about writing those letters again – makes me nervous.  I really want to get through this, but more and more I am not seeing the point.  Thanks for this site!